Sunday, January 8, 2012

i'm scared of God

i'm scared of God.

i'm scared of what He needs from me.

i'm scared of what He will ask me to do.

though i talk with a boldness for Christ, it's not a complete boldness.

though i walk with my hand in His, i'm constantly pulling away.

it's embarrassing to admit i'm not completely sold out for Christ.

it's hard to confess i feel safer in the shadows.

but i do.

and it's a constant source of struggle for me.

there's a part of my heart that longs to throw caution to the wind and step out in faith.

real faith.

the faith that has you give it all away.

the faith that has you live the Gospel.

the faith that has you telling God that you will do anything for Him.

the faith that is anything but safe.

but "anything" has too many questions. anything means uncertainties. 

anything is hard.

and i'm not sure i can do the hard He might ask me to do.

because what if He asks me to be Job? what if i have to lose my family, my children, my home? what if He asks me to give up everything i have for Him?

what if He wants me to be Paul? imprisoned and beaten for Him.

or Peter? or John?

would i be able to live a life of enthusiasm if i had to suffer for it? could i be be joyful in the midst of such struggle and pain?

i have faith. even big faith at times.

but i'm not sure i have the faith God needs from me for the big stuff. 

the really big stuff.

because i feel safer in the shadows.

and that's my struggle. the safe shadows or the uncertain light.

the partial faith or the sold out for Christ faith.

the i'll do anything faith or the i'll do anything BUT faith.

but God has been working on me.

and God has been changing my heart.

and God has been asking me to step out.

oh God, give me the faith i need to be who you need me to be.

because i want to be that person...

that i've been too scared to be for you.


  1. Our Heavenly Father Truely Love us inspit of what we struggle with on a daily base because he knows all and if were honest with ourselves we make the Faith walk harder than it is. Because if we just take out the time to see where our Father has brought use from and what he allowed us to come through the Lions den is a pet shop the fiery furnest is a cool place just think about the things in your secret place that He's blessed you in. How many could walk it out . Trust and know were all Blessed in our own way on our own path to the Kingdom

    1. and He has brought me out of the pit for sure!!! thanks for your comment gerald, i really appreciate it!!!

  2. Stopped by to visit you this morning, and I am so glad I did! I have been reading "Not A Fan" by Kyle Idleman; it speaks about how Jesus was never interested in having only admirers; it's not a fan He is looking for...but a follower. It has encouraged and blessed me in so many ways....made me think of your post, which is full of your lovely transparent heart. :)

    Blessings and hugs,

    1. i just heard of this book the other day and now you mention it in your comment...hmmm, maybe God is trying to tell me something??? i think i need to get the book! thanks for stopping by and reading my post, it really means alot!!!