Friday, June 3, 2011

i've been in a funk

i've been in a funk now for the last couple of weeks and i've had a hard time shaking it. the words that usually flow easily aren't coming. the encouragement i usually can't wait to share seems lost.

this happens to me every now and then.

a funk, a slump, a hump to get over. and i hate it.

because it's not me. it's not who i am. but i let it become me anyway. i allow myself to grow tired of the fight.

i allow disappointment and sadness to have more say than it should. i allow a discouraging situation to take over my mood. the old familiar wall goes up. the stubborn guard stands ready at my heart. i retreat inside myself and promise that i'll never put myself in that position again.

the girl with the easy answers. the girl with the strong faith. the girl with the constant smile. everything pushed aside by months of disbelief. everything shut down from the realization that i wasn't good enough. again.

it's hard when what you've built up in your mind comes colliding with the reality of life. it stinks when satan takes that little crack in the door and blows it wide open exposing the weaknesses, mistakes and failures of everyone in the room.

it hurts when the one left most exposed is you.

so i hole up. i close down. i shut off. and in doing so i become a contradiction. a hypocrite. a fake. because i always say "if you talk the talk, you should walk the walk."

but talking and walking are sometimes worlds apart. and when you feel hurt, abandoned and betrayed, the walk is almost impossible.

almost. nearly. bordering on impossible. but not quite. because impossible thrives on oneness. impossible breeds on trying to go it alone. impossible does its best work when we convince ourselves there's no way out.

but i serve a God of the impossible. i serve a God who knows betrayal and abandonment and pain. and when the world says "impossible", God says, "watch this."

i started this post still stuck in the shadows of the funk. i was ready to complain. i was looking for sympathy.  i wanted someone to make it right. but i was trying to do it alone. i was letting God stand at the door, but i wasn't asking Him to come inside. 

so in the middle of my thoughts i forced myself to regroup. i challenged myself to let it go. i could stay in the mess or i could hand it over to Him. it was my decision. and i decided enough was enough.

i have a question i ask in hard situations. i ask myself if any of it would matter if the person who offended died tomorrow. and i've always, ALWAYS, said it wouldn't matter at all. because i don't remember bad stuff when people die. i only remember how much they meant to me while they were alive.

and if it won't matter to me in death, why in the world would i hold onto it in life?

i've been in a funk but it's gone now. because i finally decided to let it go. but more importantly, and what i sometimes forget, is i decided to give it to God. because a funk is not something ANYONE can do on their own.

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