i'm scared of God

i'm scared of God.

i'm scared of what He needs from me.

i'm scared of what He will ask me to do.

though i talk with a boldness for Christ, it's not a complete boldness.

though i walk with my hand in His, i'm constantly pulling away.

it's embarrassing to admit i'm not completely sold out for Christ.

it's hard to confess i feel safer in the shadows.

but i do.

and it's a constant source of struggle for me.

there's a part of my heart that longs to throw caution to the wind and step out in faith.

real faith.

the faith that has you give it all away.

the faith that has you live the Gospel.

the faith that has you telling God that you will do anything for Him.

the faith that is anything but safe.

but "anything" has too many questions. anything means uncertainties. 

anything is hard.

and i'm not sure i can do the hard He might ask me to do.

because what if He asks me to be Job? what if i have to lose my family, my children, my home? what if He asks me to give up everything i have for Him?

what if He wants me to be Paul? imprisoned and beaten for Him.

or Peter? or John?

would i be able to live a life of enthusiasm if i had to suffer for it? could i be be joyful in the midst of such struggle and pain?

i have faith. even big faith at times.

but i'm not sure i have the faith God needs from me for the big stuff. 

the really big stuff.

because i feel safer in the shadows.

and that's my struggle. the safe shadows or the uncertain light.

the partial faith or the sold out for Christ faith.

the i'll do anything faith or the i'll do anything BUT faith.

but God has been working on me.

and God has been changing my heart.

and God has been asking me to step out.

oh God, give me the faith i need to be who you need me to be.

because i want to be that person...

that i've been too scared to be for you.

is God listening?

sometimes it's not hard to wonder if God is listening. to ask if He sees what's going on.

with so much pain and suffering in this world, we wonder if He's turned His back. if He's walked away. if He's given up.

i know i would. i'd turn my back. i'd walk away. i'd give up.

and i have before.

because it's all too much. it's all too overwhelming.

the tragedies, the abuse, the downright craziness of this world is too much to think about. too much to bear.

who wants that job? to be in charge. 

to be the one people look to for answers. to be the one people look for to blame.

not me. don't sign me up. don't throw my name in the bucket. i'm not interested.

at all.

i have no desire to be the one who has to fix this mess. to deal with these issues.

but thankfully i don't have to volunteer. i don't have to worry that someone might see me hiding in the back and ask me to take charge. 

because God's already done that.

He's already taken that responsibility.

and He doesn't need me to fix this world. He doesn't need me to think that it's all on my shoulders.

because it isn't. 

it's on His.

He's got this. He's got the plan. He knows what needs to be done.

and though it's not all about me, He needs me. He needs you.

He needs us to help in our little corner of this world.

He needs us to spend more time reaching out to others than worrying about ourselves.

He needs us to help the broken. to seek the lost. to pray for the hurting.

and not every every broken, lost, or hurting person. 

but the ones He puts in our path.

the ones we see everyday. the ones who tug at our hearts even as we turn away.

we don't have to save the world but we should want to help where we can.

because for some, the first time they see God, the first time they feel Him, is through us.

through our compassion. through our actions. through our love.

with so much hurting in this world, sometimes it's easy for us to wonder about God. to wonder if He sees what's going on.

it's easy to sit back and wonder if God is listening.

but the real question, the much harder one and the one we don't always want to know the answer to is this...

are we?

i'm the weird one

i'm often the weird one in a crowd. the one who sees things a little different. i don't try to be that person. i don't try to be the one that doesn't fit in. but the truth is i don't fit in. i always feel different. i always feel like the one who's standing on the outside.

i'm ok with that now. i didn't use to be. i always longed to be the popular one. the pretty one. the one who everyone wanted to know and everyone wanted to be. and i would say or do whatever i had to do to reach that goal. but i had no peace. i had no direction. truly, i had no life because i never enjoyed it. all that time spent trying to be just like everyone else left me wishing i could find out who i was really meant to be.

 

and then one day i realized i wanted to be different. i wanted to be set apart from the crowd. though it went against everything i had ever wanted, somehow i wanted this more. because the heart that God gave me wouldn't let me settle on being a photocopied version of the person next to me. i couldn't just sit on the sidelines anymore. i couldn't just let good enough for someone else be good enough for me. i wanted more. i expected more. i needed more.

and in needing more i knew i needed God more. i needed more than just a quick prayer in the morning and a tired kneeling before bed at the end of the day. i desired a life that was what everything God needed from me and then some. i wanted to be bold. i wanted to stand out. i wanted to live my life for Him.

 

but it's not easy. sometimes the part of me that just wants to fit in wins out over the one that desires to be set apart from the world. because being set apart means some people will laugh. being set apart means some people will keep their distance. being set apart means some people will think i'm weird. and the people-pleaser in me hates that part and i go back to my old ways. but i keep trying. i keep picking myself back up when i fall. and i keep believing that God will use my life despite myself.

i love that about God. that He uses people despite themselves. the Bible is full of people who failed terribly and yet God used their lives for a great purpose.

though i'm often the weird one in the crowd i try to make peace with it. because i asked for it. i wanted it. i needed it. and more importantly, God asked for it, and wanted it and needed it from me. normal is overrated anyway. and dull. and boring. i don't want to be normal. i want to be different. i want to be set apart. look at me. i'm the weird one. and i'm ok with that.