Monday, January 2, 2012

i've been gone

i've been gone for awhile now. over two months to be exact. 

at least in the blog world anyway.

but in the real world it's been much longer.

in fact it's been so long i don't even remember when i left. 

but i did. 

i walked away. actually, i ran. as far and as fast as i could.

because i'm screwed up.

i've always known that but most people don't. 

i put on a good front. i wear a mask. i build a wall.

and i rarely, if ever, show someone the real me.

it's easier that way.

keeps me from being hurt. keeps me from loving someone and then losing them. keeps me from being betrayed or rejected or looked over...


i learned that early in life.

that people leave. that they hurt you. that they die.

and it sometimes takes a lifetime to recover from it.

and sometimes you don't recover at all.

and so i wear masks. and i build walls. and i only show people what i want them to see.

small glimpses. tiny peeks. quick snapshots. 

because it's easier that way. 

and that's all that i've been brave enough to share.  

until this blog. 

until i started writing for the whole world to see.

my mistakes. my failures. my pain.  

my desire to help trying to overcome my desire to hide.

and it did for awhile. but i panicked. and then i did what i do best.

i backed away.

one of my friends emailed me a few weeks ago. she wondered about my blog. she wondered where i've been. she wondered if i was okay.

and she wondered why she never knew some of the stuff i wrote about. how we could have known each other for so long and yet it felt like she knew so little about me. she wondered where she fit in my life.

and it made me cry. because everything she said was true. everything she asked was valid.

and i 've known it since forever. 

that i'm good at hiding. 

that i'm good at shutting people out.

that my entire life was an open book...but only to the pages i wanted someone to see. 
i didn't respond to her questions. i couldn't even re-read the email. 

because that was the battle i was waging. 

that was the fight i was in the middle of. 

that was the war i was trying desperately to win.
the war between forgiveness and trust. the fight between letting in and letting go. the battle between who i am and who i want to be. 

and so...i've been gone for awhile now. 

because i was letting down too much of my guard. 

i was revealing too much of the real me. 

i was letting people too far in and it scared me. 

but i'm finally tired of being scared. 

and i'm finally tired of fear.

and i'm finally tired of hiding.

and so i'm back. and i'm trusting. and i'm letting down my guard.

and i'm praying for God to use me. 

the real me. 

to help someone else who needs to find the real them too.  

happy monday!!!

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