Skip to main content

i missed a broken soul

she's gone. she's dead. she couldn't face the world anymore and so she chose to leave.

it's been 2 years and no matter how hard i try, i can't let it go.

no matter how hard i want to forget, the memory keeps coming back.

no matter how much i don't want to cry, the tears keep coming.

they won't stop. they catch me off guard. they sneak up on me. they make me remember.

and i hate it.

i hate the tears. i hate the remembering. i hate the knowing that i failed.

i hate it all.

but most of all i hate that she's dead.

i hate that i can't see her.

i hate that i can't help her.

i hate that i can't talk her out of it.

we sing a song in Church that always reminds me of her.

"see His body, His blood, know that He has overcome, every trial we will face. and none too lost to be saved, none too broken or ashamed..."*

and that's as far i as get. i can't sing past this point.

because it feels like she was too lost. it feels like she was too broken. it feels like her trials were too much to overcome.

and most of all, it feels like someone should have saved her.

but no one did.

and maybe no one could.

but i wonder about that everyday.

and i miss her every moment.

and i can't seem to let it go.

and i hate it.

all of it. 

but i lay it at the Cross.

because that's all i can do.

and i pray to God that i never miss a broken soul again.

---
* songs lyrics from Remembrance/Matt Maher

Comments

  1. BillSeptember 13, 2011 at 3:43 PM

    I believe that part of the song is to remind the listener that truly there is no one beyond saving - if they will do as you have and lay it at the Cross. That all are welcome in His place. And that no matter how terrible a situation is, no matter how heavy the burdens of this life, that no matter how lost we feel there is another who felt not just the world's weight but all of humanity's weight and sin, past and present, and surrended to it as a sacrificial Lamb to cleanse our sin if we would but believe in Him.

    I do not believe that you missed a broken soul. I think someone who was hurting badly hid that hurt and missed reaching out to you and others around her that cared and would have helped carry her while she was unable to carry herself.

    You emanate a caring and love that cannot be mistaken, that cannot be misinterpreted. And you already know "the joy of the Lord is your strength". I'm sorry you're hurting. But I'm so very glad to know you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. colleen laquay urbaniukSeptember 14, 2011 at 10:36 PM

    bill...your comment made me cry, in a good way, and helped to heal my heart. thank you for taking the time to post it. you'll never know how much it means.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

you've walked a million steps away from God

10 comments
Read more

i used to have an eating disorder

i used to have an eating disorder. that's not easy for me to say. because most people don't know. and i thought most people never would. it's not that i'm embarrassed or ashamed. because i'm not. but i know how some people are. i know that once they know the truth, they'll look at me different. they'll watch my steps and wonder if i'm slipping. they'll start to find ways to assume it's still me. because some who do know...do that to me now. but it's not me anymore. and it hasn't been me for awhile. but just because i say it's not me, doesn't mean some people forget. because some people don't. and some people never will. and it's hard when they remind me. it's hard when they won't believe me. because i've tried very hard to overcome my past. so i've told very few and trusted very little.  even now i hesitate to share the truth. i hesitate for people to know. because i'd
11 comments
Read more

from bullied to bold - teaching my boys to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves

i was bullied in high school. not the big time stuff you hear about in the news but enough that it made me never forget it. and enough that i knew i would never stand for it again.  in my life or in the life of anyone i know. i was a senior in high school. taking an easy class the last semester just to get an easy grade. he was a senior too. a celebrated football player. someone i had known since middle school.  someone i thought was my friend. i don't know why he did it. i think maybe he did it to be cool. or to prove his power. or just because he could. but one day-out of the blue-i became his target. he made fun of the way i looked. he made fun of what i wore. he made fun of what i said. everyone around us heard it. everyone smiled or laughed.  and everyone - including myself - let it go on. everyday. until the end of the year. i don't remember anyone trying to defend me. i don't remember anyone trying to change the subject. i do
Post a Comment
Read more