she's gone. she's dead. she couldn't face the world anymore and so she chose to leave.
it's been 2 years and no matter how hard i try, i can't let it go.
no matter how hard i want to forget, the memory keeps coming back.
no matter how much i don't want to cry, the tears keep coming.
they won't stop. they catch me off guard. they sneak up on me. they make me remember.
and i hate it.
i hate the tears. i hate the remembering. i hate the knowing that i failed.
i hate it all.
but most of all i hate that she's dead.
i hate that i can't see her.
i hate that i can't help her.
i hate that i can't talk her out of it.
we sing a song in Church that always reminds me of her.
"see His body, His blood, know that He has overcome, every trial we will face. and none too lost to be saved, none too broken or ashamed..."*
and that's as far i as get. i can't sing past this point.
because it feels like she was too lost. it feels like she was too broken. it feels like her trials were too much to overcome.
and most of all, it feels like someone should have saved her.
but no one did.
and maybe no one could.
but i wonder about that everyday.
and i miss her every moment.
and i can't seem to let it go.
and i hate it.
all of it.
but i lay it at the Cross.
because that's all i can do.
and i pray to God that i never miss a broken soul again.
---
* songs lyrics from Remembrance/Matt Maher
I believe that part of the song is to remind the listener that truly there is no one beyond saving - if they will do as you have and lay it at the Cross. That all are welcome in His place. And that no matter how terrible a situation is, no matter how heavy the burdens of this life, that no matter how lost we feel there is another who felt not just the world's weight but all of humanity's weight and sin, past and present, and surrended to it as a sacrificial Lamb to cleanse our sin if we would but believe in Him.
ReplyDeleteI do not believe that you missed a broken soul. I think someone who was hurting badly hid that hurt and missed reaching out to you and others around her that cared and would have helped carry her while she was unable to carry herself.
You emanate a caring and love that cannot be mistaken, that cannot be misinterpreted. And you already know "the joy of the Lord is your strength". I'm sorry you're hurting. But I'm so very glad to know you.
bill...your comment made me cry, in a good way, and helped to heal my heart. thank you for taking the time to post it. you'll never know how much it means.
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