do you have to be rude?

i can't stand when people are rude.

it's a trigger for me. it pushes my buttons.

it makes my sense of grace fly right out the window.

i hate when people think that a sense of being right overrules a sense of being nice.

when they feel like the world owes them something.

when they think that they're better than someone else.

it's a type of arrogance that makes me mad.

it makes me see red.

it makes me forget i'm a Christian.

and the devil knows that.

and God knows that.

and so the tests keep coming.

the rude people come out of the woodwork.

my patience wears thin.

because the devil wants me to lose my temper.

and God wants me to win the fight.

and sometimes i do win.

but more often i lose.

because i don't see the good in people when they're rude.

i don't see a child of God when they're being ugly.

i don't see the face of Jesus in their arrogance.

but then God doesn't see it in me either.

not when i'm frustrated at them. not when i'm talking about them. not when i'm judging them.

and surely not when i'm trying to get in the last word.

or trying to prove that i'm right.

or worried more about my rights then His request.

because He has asked me to be slow in becoming angry.

He has asked me to be patient.

He has asked me to see the plank in my own eye.

and i do see it but i don't want to admit it.

because if i admitted it, then i'd have to admit that i'm arrogant at times.

i'd have to admit that i'm not always nice.

i'd have to admit that sometimes i'm the rude one.

and i'd hate to admit any of that.

and i think that's why God keeps testing me.

because He needs to get me from where i am to where i need to be.

and in order to change me, He needs me to see the problem.

He needs me to be disgusted with it.

He needs me to hate it enough in others that i refuse to allow it in myself.

because i can't stand when people are rude.

and i can't stand it when i'm rude either.

and God needs someone to change.

and i think He's looking at me.

i'm not special

i'm not special.

i'm nobody important.

i don't have power. or prestige. or fame. 

i'm just a regular girl with a regular life.

but i have a Bible.

and i have a voice.

and i have a Word from God that says He is no respecter of persons.

what He did for one, He will do for all.

and i'm included in that all.

i believe in that all.

i trust in that all.

and so i seek Him.

and i knock.

and i come before His throne.

and i bring others with me.

and i lift us up.

and i talk with Him.

and i give Him thanks.

for you.

for me.

for everything.

but i'm not any more special.

or any more important.

or any more forgiven.

than anyone else.

i just really want more of Him.

for me.

and for you.

because He's what makes us special.

He's what makes us stand out.

He's what makes us important.

because He is important.

to us all.

i'm scared of God

i'm scared of God.

i'm scared of what He needs from me.

i'm scared of what He will ask me to do.

though i talk with a boldness for Christ, it's not a complete boldness.

though i walk with my hand in His, i'm constantly pulling away.

it's embarrassing to admit i'm not completely sold out for Christ.

it's hard to confess i feel safer in the shadows.

but i do.

and it's a constant source of struggle for me.

there's a part of my heart that longs to throw caution to the wind and step out in faith.

real faith.

the faith that has you give it all away.

the faith that has you live the Gospel.

the faith that has you telling God that you will do anything for Him.

the faith that is anything but safe.

but "anything" has too many questions. anything means uncertainties. 

anything is hard.

and i'm not sure i can do the hard He might ask me to do.

because what if He asks me to be Job? what if i have to lose my family, my children, my home? what if He asks me to give up everything i have for Him?

what if He wants me to be Paul? imprisoned and beaten for Him.

or Peter? or John?

would i be able to live a life of enthusiasm if i had to suffer for it? could i be be joyful in the midst of such struggle and pain?

i have faith. even big faith at times.

but i'm not sure i have the faith God needs from me for the big stuff. 

the really big stuff.

because i feel safer in the shadows.

and that's my struggle. the safe shadows or the uncertain light.

the partial faith or the sold out for Christ faith.

the i'll do anything faith or the i'll do anything BUT faith.

but God has been working on me.

and God has been changing my heart.

and God has been asking me to step out.

oh God, give me the faith i need to be who you need me to be.

because i want to be that person...

that i've been too scared to be for you.