Friday, February 8, 2013

i know how it feels to be broken

sometimes i feel like i've seen too much.

too much heartache. too much loss. too much death.

and moments like yesterday when they suddenly and unexpectedly roll up into one.

a woman checked in to the motel and never checked out. she left, but she didn't leave alive.

she killed herself.

a calculated, meticulous, planned suicide.

and the way that we found her will be something i never forget.

i won't give details other than to say it was obvious she found it on the internet. she had purchased all the right things, made all the right plans. she made sure no one would find her until it was over. and her plan worked perfectly.

she left a note telling us she was sorry and asked someone to call her dad.

she didn't leave a mess. in fact, you can't even tell she was there. but she created a mess if that makes sense. because she left behind family. she left behind 3 children. she left behind questions.

she left behind a life.

and she left behind scars that may never heal. 

because some scars wound too deeply. some scars bring back memories that are too painful to remember.

and that's what yesterday was. too deep. too painful. too many scars.

suicide isn't foreign to me. i thought about it when i was 20. i thought the world would be better off if i wasn't in it. though i didn't know the lady yesterday, i know the pain. i know the struggle. i know the thought of thinking death is easier than life.

i know how it feels to think you're alone. to think your problems are too much.

to just get so tired of the fight to hang on.

i know how it feels to be broken like that. and so when i saw her there i remembered.

and i remembered too much.

and it suddenly broke me again.

i've had two friends kill themselves in the last six years. both were young. both left behind children. both left behind so many questions. and each of their deaths brought me back to that place. to that bathroom. to that moment when i was done too.

and though i hated what they did, i understood it. and i grieved with them in their death.

but they broke me. each death broke another piece of me again.

because i see me in them.

and i wish with all my heart that i could have helped them. all of them. i wish that i would have known. i wish that i could have saved them from the darkness that took over their world. 

and i have guilt that they have died and yet i live on. 

and so i cry,  and i grieve, and i pray.

but i don't do it alone. i can't do it alone.

and that's what continuing to live has taught me. that despite the heartache, despite the darkness, despite the brokenness...i can't do it alone.

that no one can do it alone.

and so i share this story. and i share this pain. and i share this broken heart.

and i ask you to pray to God with me for all those that are lost and for all those who are struggling to hang on.

dear Lord, help us to seek out the lost. help us to reach out to them. help us to not be so caught up in our own world that we miss them, that we pass by, that we don't take the time to help. Lord, please bring peace to the brokenhearted, please give courage to those who are thinking of giving up, please give strength to those who think they can't go on. dear Lord please have mercy on the souls of all those who have died and please grant peace to their families. in Jesus' Name we pray.

Never stop planting good seed