struggling with food: bad habits are hard to break

last year i revealed my struggle with food in this post " i used to have an eating disorder " and it's like it opened up something that i thought i dealt with long ago.

apparently i was wrong.

the post made me retreat inside myself. worried that i had shared too much. worried that i had labeled myself. worried that maybe i missed those days of wanting to be skinny.

wanting.

desperately wanting.

crazy, self obsessed wanting.

it's like satan was knocking at my door again, saying "hey, remember me?" "remember how good it felt?" remember how great it was?"

and the realistic me knows it wasn't great. but the past me knows there were glimpses of joy.

they were tiny, never lasting, self defeating glimpses. but glimpses none the less.


crazy isn't it? to find joy in the middle of our pain.

it's a constant battle. every bite. every decision. every time i weigh myself.

i'm battling against who i was. i'm battling for who i need to be.

i'm battling not to let this world define who i am.

but i think the important part is i realize it. that i'm aware of my struggle. that i go into the battle knowing full well the danger that an eating disorder can do.

my friend died from it. not officially of course. officially she died because her body couldn't fight an infection she got. but her body couldn't fight it because of all the years of abuse. and those of us in the circle knew that. those of us who had struggled beside her knew.

and though we were all years past our own issues with food, i come to realize now that we may move on but it's always a part of us.

it's always a voice.

it's always a temptation.

and sometimes it's a desire.

sometimes it's a feeling that we want to feel again.

just for a moment.

a tiny moment.

a tiny self defeating moment.

because that's the disease. that's the disorder.  

but i don't want to be the person i was.

i don't want to be who i used to be.

i don't want to die because i can't let go.

so i let go of the past everyday.

and i move forward towards a healthier life.

and i pray to God it will never be me again. 

five minute fridays...home

i love five minute fridays. i love them but i don't do them nearly as much as i should.

but today i'm following lisa-jo's lead and i'm taking 5 minutes to do what i love to do...write. so here goes...5 minutes, no editing, no over-thinking, no plan...

go...

home

as i grow older home doesn't mean the same thing to me anymore. sure it means family, and memories and being able to be yourself in a world that constantly tries to change you, but home means more to me now.

with each growing year my heart longs for something more. it longs for my final home. it longs to be with my Lord and Savior.

my heart sees home as Heaven now. i see home as Jesus.

there are days that i wish Heaven would hurry. i wish to leave the craziness of this world behind.

but something always stops me. something always tells me there's more work to be done.

there's a world of hurting people that need help. there's a world of hurting people who haven't met Jesus. there's a world of hurting people that need to know...they need to know that they don't have to walk around hurting. that they can have peace. that they can be ok.

so even while my hearts longs for my eternal home, i understand that there's still work to be done.

there are still porches of people's souls that need to be swept. still dirty laundry that needs to be cleaned out of lives. and still weeds that need to be pulled out of people's hearts.

yeah there's a lot of work to be done first before i go home. so much work to be done.

but i'm ready. as much as i'm ready to be home, i'm ready to make sure everyone else is coming home with me too.

my dad's jacket

sometimes i wear my dad's old jacket. the one he used to wear all the time.

like ALMOST EVERYDAY all the time.

it's one of those jackets that long ago went out of style but seems to make a little comeback every now and then. but despite it being old-fashioned and slightly out of date, i still wear it. i admit it's  mostly just around the house, but i wear it.

because it reminds me of him.

 it was one of the only pieces of clothing i kept when he died.

that and an old pair of his socks.

everything else went to the nursing home. my dad would have wanted it that way. somehow the most giving man i ever knew was able to continue giving even after he died. 

but i had to keep something. i don't know why.

i guess i thought if i didn't give everything away that i'd still have a piece of him. i guess i thought if i kept his favorite jacket then he wouldn't really be gone.

crazy, i know. but somehow it's true.

on days when i feel alone, or tired, or overwhelmed...i put on his jacket.

on days when i miss him, or i need his advice, or i can't believe he's gone...i put it on and wrap it even tighter.

somehow this jacket puts my dad in the room. somehow this jacket puts my dad in the world.

same with the socks. they're threadbare now but it doesn't matter. just the sight of them brings back a million memories.

and just wearing them brings peace.

and that's what my dad meant to me in this world.

safety.

and love.

and peace.

it may be old. it may be out of date. it may even be out of style. but it was my dad's jacket.

so if you see me wearing it, tread softly.

because i'm not ready to let go of either of them just yet.

and i'm not sure that i ever will be.

smiling past the sadness

as most of you know from my last post, my life has been turned upside down lately. last week one of our guests committed suicide and when we found her, it brought back painful memories that i've struggled for years to overcome.  today's post is an update on how satan tried his best to destroy me....but his best wasn't better than God. the first part is from last night, the last part is from the miracle of today.

yesterday -  smiling past the sadness

it's not easy to smile when i'm sad but i do it anyway. it's not easy to say i'm ok when i'm not but i do it anyway. and it's not easy to pretend everything is fine...when it's not...

but i do it anyway.

because people need me. people need me to be happy. people need me to be strong. people need me to encourage and lift up and offer hope.

people need me to make decisions, and give advice, and meet deadlines.

people need me to do what i've always done and i know that.

they tell me that.

they want that. they expect it. and truth be known, i expect it too.

i expect to just wake up in a good mood and thank God for the day.

i expect to smile, and sing and be full of joy.

i expect to want to take a shower. to want to change my clothes. to want to do SOMETHING.

but really all i want to do is be in a dark room by myself.

all i want to do is hide.

i don't want to answer questions. i don't want to talk. i don't want to think about what i saw.

i just want to rest. i just want to close my eyes and pretend it didn't happen. i just want to close my eyes and not be afraid to dream.

i just want to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life.

i know there's some kind of time frame to grieve. some kind of politically correct amount of time that says it's ok to cry and be shocked after a traumatic event. and at barely a week out i think i'm still in it.

at least i hope i'm still in it. i hope what i'm going through is normal.

but i'm tired of being in it. i'm just so very tired of being sad.

and i pray to God...oh God i pray that i'm not in it forever.

**********************************

and that's exactly how i felt when i woke up again today. sad. overwhelmed. unbelievably tired. and with a darkness hanging over me again.  i went through the motions but that was it. i saw no light and i definitely couldn't see my way out. but i kept praying. and i kept asking God to show me how He could use this. how He could use me. and if He even thought my life was worth being used for Him at all.

today - when God finds you in the darkness

i've been in a pit lately. i'm not really sure how i got there. i just know that one thing led into something else and there i was, standing on the edge of it, hoping not to fall in. when i wrote that post last week about suicide i was already struggling and it was just enough to push me head first down into darkness. and no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't find the light to get back out. 

i've seen darkness before but i've never seen it that dark. i've never seen it that lonely. and it scared me.

because i saw a glimpse of what some people never overcome.

i didn't want to go to sleep at night because i was afraid to dream. i didn't want to get up in the morning because i didn't want to face the day. i didn't want to shower because i just didn't care. and to be honest, it required much more energy than i had to do it all anyway.

but i did get up everyday. i did go through the motions. but i wasn't myself. i wasn't even close to being myself.

because it's hard to be yourself when you're lost. it's hard to even remember who you are when you're broken.

but then it happened. God sent someone to remind me. God sent someone to pull me out of the pit. 

someone who had read my post about the suicide contacted me. out of the blue. unexpected.

they told me how that post had saved them. i didn't really understand it at first but then they went on to explain. they had been broken recently too. and torn down. and they had decided to end it all. they had the pills. they were ready to take them. but first, they got on the computer to say goodbye to their friends.

and that's when God pulled them out of their pit. they saw my post. they felt it took courage.

and that courage they said...made them change their mind.

they decided not to commit suicide.

the very pain that i wondered how it could be used for anything...was used to save a life.

and suddenly, in the middle of my darkest day, i saw the sun again.

dear God, i am humbled and amazed that you decided to use this broken girl. i am completely in awe that you took such terrible memories and brought about something good. thank you Lord for finding me, for loving me, for showing me that even on the darkest days, you are still a bright and shining light. and thank you, thank you, thank you Lord,  for saving that person who was ready to end it all. thank you for showing them your love. thank you for reminding them that they have worth, and value, and a wonderful purpose.  i pray Lord that you turn their pain around. i pray that the plans of those who are trying to bring them down are destroyed. i pray that you give them a boldness to show the world how you can take a broken life and use it to bring you glory. i love you Lord. and i thank you for saving my life too. in Jesus' Name i pray.

i know how it feels to be broken

sometimes i feel like i've seen too much.

too much heartache. too much loss. too much death.

and moments like yesterday when they suddenly and unexpectedly roll up into one.

a woman checked in to the motel and never checked out. she left, but she didn't leave alive.

she killed herself.

a calculated, meticulous, planned suicide.

and the way that we found her will be something i never forget.

i won't give details other than to say it was obvious she found it on the internet. she had purchased all the right things, made all the right plans. she made sure no one would find her until it was over. and her plan worked perfectly.

she left a note telling us she was sorry and asked someone to call her dad.

she didn't leave a mess. in fact, you can't even tell she was there. but she created a mess if that makes sense. because she left behind family. she left behind 3 children. she left behind questions.

she left behind a life.

and she left behind scars that may never heal. 

because some scars wound too deeply. some scars bring back memories that are too painful to remember.

and that's what yesterday was. too deep. too painful. too many scars.

suicide isn't foreign to me. i thought about it when i was 20. i thought the world would be better off if i wasn't in it. though i didn't know the lady yesterday, i know the pain. i know the struggle. i know the thought of thinking death is easier than life.

i know how it feels to think you're alone. to think your problems are too much.

to just get so tired of the fight to hang on.

i know how it feels to be broken like that. and so when i saw her there i remembered.

and i remembered too much.

and it suddenly broke me again.

i've had two friends kill themselves in the last six years. both were young. both left behind children. both left behind so many questions. and each of their deaths brought me back to that place. to that bathroom. to that moment when i was done too.

and though i hated what they did, i understood it. and i grieved with them in their death.

but they broke me. each death broke another piece of me again.

because i see me in them.

and i wish with all my heart that i could have helped them. all of them. i wish that i would have known. i wish that i could have saved them from the darkness that took over their world. 

and i have guilt that they have died and yet i live on. 

and so i cry,  and i grieve, and i pray.

but i don't do it alone. i can't do it alone.

and that's what continuing to live has taught me. that despite the heartache, despite the darkness, despite the brokenness...i can't do it alone.

that no one can do it alone.

and so i share this story. and i share this pain. and i share this broken heart.

and i ask you to pray to God with me for all those that are lost and for all those who are struggling to hang on.

dear Lord, help us to seek out the lost. help us to reach out to them. help us to not be so caught up in our own world that we miss them, that we pass by, that we don't take the time to help. Lord, please bring peace to the brokenhearted, please give courage to those who are thinking of giving up, please give strength to those who think they can't go on. dear Lord please have mercy on the souls of all those who have died and please grant peace to their families. in Jesus' Name we pray.

saving a friend

 
i have been a little sad lately. without direction. seeking answers.

i have been overwhelmed with too many decisions. too many distractions. too much strife.

i have lacked focus. questioned motives. sought peace.

i have been crowded. criticized. burdened.

and yet through it all, i have been blessed.

that is the hand of God right there. taking a girl i haven't seen in over 20 years and using her to remind me that i matter. that He sees me. that He loves me.  

i am AMAZED - completely and totally- at God's goodness. i am humbled at His mercy.

i am in awe of His grace.

He found me right where i am and He reminded me that i am not alone. 

but that's God isn't it? showing up when we least expect it. when we least deserve it.

but when we need it the most.

and saving us right in the middle of a storm.

i am so thankful.

i am filled with joy.

i am blessed.

if God has placed someone on your heart today, reach out to them. encourage them. love them.

in doing so you are pleasing Him. 

you are doing His work.

you are saving the world.

thank you Tere for saving me today. 

you are loved. 

 



 

the Catholic freak...the Jesus freak

you might think i'm a freak because i'm Catholic.

and you'd be right.

i am a freak.

a Jesus freak.

that's right. i'm Catholic AND i believe in Jesus.

i say it like that because a couple of years ago someone assumed i didn't. she had been told that Catholics don't worship Jesus. that we don't believe in Him.

really? i said. have you been in a Catholic Church? because you'll find the Stations of the Cross which, you know, if you look closely, follow Jesus' Crucifixion. yeah. and speaking of Crucifixion, we have those huge Crosses on the altar. with Jesus on them. Crucified.

so you could say...with certainty...that we believe in Jesus.

i know i'm being sarcastic but she wasn't the first one. she wasn't the first to think being Catholic was a bad thing. and i'm used to those kind of remarks. i'm used to being right in the middle of a great  Biblical conversation- talking about God and what He has done in my life and quoting Scripture - and then getting "the question".

"so where do you go to Church?'.

i always hesitate before i answer and take a breath. because i know what's about to come.

" i go to the Catholic Church down the road."

silence. complete silence. then the knowing nod. then the change of conversation.

and while the conversation switch makes it obvious, the nod really says it all.

the nod equals...oh, you're one of THEM.

yep, i think to myself as they start to walk away. that's me. one of THEM. one of THOSE Catholics. one of those CRAZY people.

one of those who other people like to talk about. and judge. and assume.  

because they've heard about us. they know about us. they assume about us.

but they rarely ask us. they rarely want to question us. they rarely want to hear our story.

to hear what we believe.

to know where we stand.

because they already have made up their minds. they already think we're freaks.

so i thought i'd clear it up.

i am Catholic. and i believe in Jesus. i believe He is the Son of God, sent to be my Savior.

i believe He was crucified for my sins. and i believe He will come again.

some assume i need to be saved. i know that i already am.

some assume that i worship Mary the Mother of God. some assume i worship statues.

i do neither.

but i do honor Mary. i do show reverence to her. i do hold her in high esteem. i do the same with the Saints. i pray that my character might be more like theirs. i pray that their lives might be reflected in mine.

but be clear. be perfectly clear. i worship God.

do i pray to them? i do. do i ask them to pray for me? i do. just like i ask my friends for advice, for direction, for clarification in life. just like i ask those who are closest to me to pray for me.

how strange that it is considered perfectly normal to ask another human being for direction, guidance and prayer but it is considered crazy to do the same with those human beings whose lives were lived boldly to honor God.

so i can ask you, or my neighbor, or a stranger off the street to pray for me - to intercede for me- but i can't ask Mary, the mother of Jesus?

i'm not sure how that makes sense.

but you did get one thing right. you did assume one thing about me that makes me smile.

i am a freak.

a Jesus freak.

and you can call me that any day of the week.

Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy. Lord have mercy.