the gift of mondays

i never wanted to be a mom. never. that seems like such a selfish statement, especially when i know women who have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive, but my truth never came from selfishness, it came from fear. when you're 6 years old and your mom dies it changes your perspective. you see things differently. you dream different dreams. you want different things. and the last thing i wanted to be was a mom. but if i broke it down, the last thing i really wanted was to be my mom. the mom that died and left her kids behind. and so i never allowed myself to wish for it. i never allowed myself to hope for it. i never allowed myself  to want it. when you grow up as a motherless daughter you don't grow up wanting that. any of it. because it's too scary. you don't dream of a forever family when your own forever is ripped away in the middle of the night. you can't allow yourself to tell a child "i'll always be here for you&qu