Skip to main content

i never wanted to be a mom

i never wanted to be a mom.

never.

that seems like such a selfish statement, especially when i know women who have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive, but my truth never came from selfishness, it came from fear.

when you're 6 years old and your mom dies it changes your perspective.

you see things differently.

you dream different dreams.

you want different things.

and the last thing i wanted to be was a mom.

but if i broke it down, the last thing i really wanted was to be my mom.

the mom that died and left her kids behind.

and so i never allowed myself to wish for it.

i never allowed myself to hope for it.

i never allowed myself  to want it.

when you grow up as a motherless daughter you don't grow up wanting that.

any of it.

because it's too scary.

you don't dream of a forever family when your own forever is ripped away in the middle of the night.

you can't allow yourself to tell a child "i'll always be here for you" when you know it's not true.

it's a promise you know you can't make.

no, when your mother dies and leaves you behind you stop believing in always.

you stop believing in a lot of things.

and you put up a wall with real emotions on one side and what you want people to see on the other.

because that's how you survive.

that's how i survived.

i refused to miss my mom. i refused to be sad. i refused to talk about it.

and i told myself i didn't want something that i really did want.

and one day i became my own worst fear.  

i became a mom.

and my life became a million unspoken "what ifs".

what if i die at 37 like she did?

what if i die when my children are little?

what if i die and never get to say goodbye?


it's an endless recording and it never stops playing.

what if i die? what if i die? what if i die?


when my son adam was born i caught myself holding my breath.

17 years later i find myself still holding it.

and when tommy was born years later i thought to myself "what am i doing?"

i still have moments when i think that.

what am i doing? what am i doing? what the heck am i doing?


and i feel my chest tighten. and feel myself start to panic.

and i feel myself smothering them, and holding them too close.

and i feel like i never should have done this.

any of it.

because every day, in the very back corner of my mind, a thought overtakes me. a thought that at any moment this could be all over.

this wonderful, crazy, beautiful life with my sons, with my family, could all be over.

but i stop myself. i stop myself from thinking that i never wanted to be a mom.

because even in the million moments of crazy panicked uncertainty i see the truth.

i feel the truth.

i know the truth.

and the truth is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened in my life

was becoming the very person i said i never wanted to be.






Comments

Popular posts from this blog

you've walked a million steps away from God

God took my mom

God took my mom.  When I was 6 years old and knew nothing about life.  Before I had a chance to know her. Long before I would have a way to remember her.  He took her.  And I grew up never having a mother. If God can see all, if God knows all, if God is in control...did He not think I would want a mom?  Or deserved a mom?  Or needed a mom?  Did He not care how painful it would be? Did He not care how awful it would feel?  Did He not care about me at all? Because I thought when you loved someone you wanted the best for them. You sacrificed for them. You made sure you did everything in your power to help them. And it didn't feel like God helped me. It felt like He punished me. And I had no idea why.  I just knew I hated it.  And there were moments that I hated Him.  When you're little, no one comes up to you and tells you it's going to be ok.  Most don't come up to you at all.  Because people shrink from talking about death.  They don't know what to say so they don

A Prayer for our Nation

Father, I pray according to 1 Timothy 2:1-3, for all who are in authority in this nation. I ask for Godly counsel and wisdom for the President and his Cabinet, Chief Justice, Associate Justices of the Supreme Court and all judges across this land.  Thank you for restoring to our nation righteous judges who hear Your voice and adhere to Your Word (Isaiah 1:26). We lift up the Secretary of State, Secretary of the Treasury, Secretary of Defense, members of the Senate and House of Representatives, and all other leaders at every level of our government to receive the wisdom of God, to act in obedience to that wisdom, and for the power of God to flow in their lives.  I declare that they hear and obey Your voice, Lord, and the voice of a stranger they will not follow. Lord, I pray that righteousness be manifest in the hearts of all in authority in our nation, and that they seek after You with all their hearts, souls, minds and strength. In the Name of Jesus.  Amen. (Prayer from Kenneth Copela