i'm often the weird one in a crowd. the one who sees things a little different. i don't try to be that person. i don't try to be the one that doesn't fit in. but the truth is i don't fit in. i always feel different. i always feel like the one who's standing on the outside.
i'm ok with that now. i didn't use to be. i always longed to be the popular one. the pretty one. the one who everyone wanted to know and everyone wanted to be. and i would say or do whatever i had to do to reach that goal. but i had no peace. i had no direction. truly, i had no life because i never enjoyed it. all that time spent trying to be just like everyone else left me wishing i could find out who i was really meant to be.
and then one day i realized i wanted to be different. i wanted to be set apart from the crowd. though it went against everything i had ever wanted, somehow i wanted this more. because the heart that God gave me wouldn't let me settle on being a photocopied version of the person next to me. i couldn't just sit on the sidelines anymore. i couldn't just let good enough for someone else be good enough for me. i wanted more. i expected more. i needed more.
and in needing more i knew i needed God more. i needed more than just a quick prayer in the morning and a tired kneeling before bed at the end of the day. i desired a life that was what everything God needed from me and then some. i wanted to be bold. i wanted to stand out. i wanted to live my life for Him.
but it's not easy. sometimes the part of me that just wants to fit in wins out over the one that desires to be set apart from the world. because being set apart means some people will laugh. being set apart means some people will keep their distance. being set apart means some people will think i'm weird. and the people-pleaser in me hates that part and i go back to my old ways. but i keep trying. i keep picking myself back up when i fall. and i keep believing that God will use my life despite myself.
i love that about God. that He uses people despite themselves. the Bible is full of people who failed terribly and yet God used their lives for a great purpose.
though i'm often the weird one in the crowd i try to make peace with it. because i asked for it. i wanted it. i needed it. and more importantly, God asked for it, and wanted it and needed it from me. normal is overrated anyway. and dull. and boring. i don't want to be normal. i want to be different. i want to be set apart. look at me. i'm the weird one. and i'm ok with that.