Skip to main content

i'm the weird one

i'm often the weird one in a crowd. the one who sees things a little different. i don't try to be that person. i don't try to be the one that doesn't fit in. but the truth is i don't fit in. i always feel different. i always feel like the one who's standing on the outside.

i'm ok with that now. i didn't use to be. i always longed to be the popular one. the pretty one. the one who everyone wanted to know and everyone wanted to be. and i would say or do whatever i had to do to reach that goal. but i had no peace. i had no direction. truly, i had no life because i never enjoyed it. all that time spent trying to be just like everyone else left me wishing i could find out who i was really meant to be.
 
and then one day i realized i wanted to be different. i wanted to be set apart from the crowd. though it went against everything i had ever wanted, somehow i wanted this more. because the heart that God gave me wouldn't let me settle on being a photocopied version of the person next to me. i couldn't just sit on the sidelines anymore. i couldn't just let good enough for someone else be good enough for me. i wanted more. i expected more. i needed more.

and in needing more i knew i needed God more. i needed more than just a quick prayer in the morning and a tired kneeling before bed at the end of the day. i desired a life that was what everything God needed from me and then some. i wanted to be bold. i wanted to stand out. i wanted to live my life for Him.
 
but it's not easy. sometimes the part of me that just wants to fit in wins out over the one that desires to be set apart from the world. because being set apart means some people will laugh. being set apart means some people will keep their distance. being set apart means some people will think i'm weird. and the people-pleaser in me hates that part and i go back to my old ways. but i keep trying. i keep picking myself back up when i fall. and i keep believing that God will use my life despite myself.

i love that about God. that He uses people despite themselves. the Bible is full of people who failed terribly and yet God used their lives for a great purpose.

though i'm often the weird one in the crowd i try to make peace with it. because i asked for it. i wanted it. i needed it. and more importantly, God asked for it, and wanted it and needed it from me. normal is overrated anyway. and dull. and boring. i don't want to be normal. i want to be different. i want to be set apart. look at me. i'm the weird one. and i'm ok with that.

Comments

  1. Little Bit -- you have always been special -- and a gift from God to all of us. You do stand out, and you are the one we want to be like. We think "how can she do all of that" -- then laugh because we know where you get your strength. Love you more than you know. Lil Deb

    ReplyDelete
  2. thanks for sharing that, its too bad that alot of people don't realize that its ok to be different. God loves everyone and you don't have to be popular for his love.

    ReplyDelete
  3. deb...thanks for always loving me despite it all...i love you too!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sometimes we waste our time wanting to be someone or something other than ourselves, and later realize we are terrific just as we are. Each of us is unique and each of us has much to offer.
    Oprah says, Live your life as a lesson to others. That is the best we can do. I've seen the results of people who have done that.
    I'm sure you do that as well, Colleen.

    ReplyDelete
  5. glenda...i totally agree. we are each unique and have much to offer to this world. thanks for your insight!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

you've walked a million steps away from God

i used to have an eating disorder

i used to have an eating disorder. that's not easy for me to say. because most people don't know. and i thought most people never would. it's not that i'm embarrassed or ashamed. because i'm not. but i know how some people are. i know that once they know the truth, they'll look at me different. they'll watch my steps and wonder if i'm slipping. they'll start to find ways to assume it's still me. because some who do know...do that to me now. but it's not me anymore. and it hasn't been me for awhile. but just because i say it's not me, doesn't mean some people forget. because some people don't. and some people never will. and it's hard when they remind me. it's hard when they won't believe me. because i've tried very hard to overcome my past. so i've told very few and trusted very little.  even now i hesitate to share the truth. i hesitate for people to know. because i'd

from bullied to bold - teaching my boys to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves

i was bullied in high school. not the big time stuff you hear about in the news but enough that it made me never forget it. and enough that i knew i would never stand for it again.  in my life or in the life of anyone i know. i was a senior in high school. taking an easy class the last semester just to get an easy grade. he was a senior too. a celebrated football player. someone i had known since middle school.  someone i thought was my friend. i don't know why he did it. i think maybe he did it to be cool. or to prove his power. or just because he could. but one day-out of the blue-i became his target. he made fun of the way i looked. he made fun of what i wore. he made fun of what i said. everyone around us heard it. everyone smiled or laughed.  and everyone - including myself - let it go on. everyday. until the end of the year. i don't remember anyone trying to defend me. i don't remember anyone trying to change the subject. i do