Tuesday, January 8, 2013

when your dad is dying, love still finds a way

"be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

that's the verse i heard. that's the scripture that came to me. that's the promise that got me through the storm.

my dad was dying. at least that's what the world said. his cancer had returned and spread. what once started in his prostate, eventually moved to his colon, his lungs, his kidneys. it was one of those things that everyone said would happen, but i had never allowed myself to believe.

because my dad was too strong.

and had too much faith.

and was too good of a person to die like that.

strong people like him don't lose the fight.

people with faith like his don't die.

good people like him -the kind that would give you the shirt off their back- don't die.

they can't die.

they're invincible. they're indestructible. they're loved.

and people who are loved like that wouldn't die. couldn't die. shouldn't die.

but they do.

and they can.

and he did.

there was nothing about cancer that i liked.

i hated it all.

i hated that it scared him. i hated that it became his life. i hated that it became mine.

i hated that six little letters had the power to overtake my world, had the power to overtake my faith.

but in the middle of my darkest night, God gave me a Word. He gave me a hope. He gave me something to hang on to. 

"be still and know that I am God."

and incredibly enough, He gave this to me when i was mad at Him. God gave this to me as i was yelling at Him. He offered it to me as i shouted obscenities at Him into the night air.

because i didn't see God in my dad's disease. i didn't see God in my dad's suffering. and i didn't see why God was allowing any of it to happen.

and so i did what most do when they're angry. i looked for someone to blame. i looked for someone to be mad it. i looked for someone to take responsibility.

and that someone for me was God.

but in  the middle of my rant, in the middle of my doubt, in the middle of my darkest night, He whispered loud enough for me to hear.

"be still and know that I am God."

i didn't even know it was Scripture at the time. i only knew that those words helped. those words healed. those words made me believe...

that God saw me. that God saw my dad. and that we were not alone.

sometimes and really most times, at least for me, it's the knowing that you're not alone that gets you through the darkness. it's the knowing that someone cares.

it's the knowing that someone can see you. can see your pain. can love you enough to get past your rant that gives you the courage to go on.

and the God of the universe, the God who hung the moon and the stars, the God of yesterday and the God of tomorrow, saw a girl scared to lose her dad and reached down from Heaven with a whisper of hope. a whisper of courage. a whisper of faith.

despite all my anger and accusations, He found His way to me.

because love does that.

and He is love.

and love always finds a way.

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