how i want my sons to live

i don't want my boys to be regular. i don't want them to grow up to be just like everyone else. i don't want them to be just part of the crowd.

i want them to be different. i want them to be set apart.

i want them to want more. 

to do more. 

to be more.

i want them to be the kind of boys who hold the door open for others. i want them to be the kind of boys who stop to help when someone drops what they're holding. i want them to be the kind of boys who don't make fun of girls, who don't criticize others, who don't call people names.

little things to some. insignificant even. but not to me. because to me the little things are what forms a person. the little things are what creates character. the little things are what eventually build into the big things.

and my boys will one day be men. and i want them to be the kind of men that others look up to. 

that others can rely on. 

that others want to grow up to be.

and those boys i've taught to open the door will hopefully realize that it's not just about the door. it's about putting someone else before yourself. it's about trying to serve others.

it's about stopping to care.

and those boys i've taught to help someone who has dropped what they're holding will hopefully grow up to realize that it's not about the dropping at all. it's about the picking up. it's about the seeing if someone needs help holding on.

it's about stopping to care.

and those boys i've taught not to make fun of girls, not to criticize others, not to call people names, will hopefully grow up to realize that it's not about the one moment of laughter. it's about looking beyond the moment to see the pain you may be causing someone else. it's about not wanting to tear someone down to build yourself up.

it's about stopping - right in the middle of what you're doing - to care.

and that's what i want my sons to learn in life. that the most important thing is the caring. to get up each day and care about those around you. to walk out into the world and care about people. to not get so caught up in what they're doing that they miss what God needs them to do.

i want them to stop...to pause...to look around...and to live their lives with a priority for caring.

and i want them to care even when it seems like no one else does. to care even when it seems like it's not making a difference. to care even when people laugh or think they're strange. or think they're different. 

because they should be different. 

i want them to be different.

i pray to God everyday they are different.

in a world that fights so hard for everyone to fit in, i want them to stand out. 

this world will show them plenty of things i wish they would never see. it will teach them plenty of lessons i wish they would never learn.

but i can't control that.

it's part of life.

but the part i can control, the foundation i can set, the belief i can instill - is that even when surrounded by darkness you can still find good.

and i want them to stop and find that goodness. i hope they stop and are part of that goodness. 

i pray they stop and live that goodness.

because i have to believe that the goodness, i have to believe that the caring, will still overcome even the worst parts of people. that it will still overcome the evil in this world. 

because the evil, the badness, the craziness will always be a part of life. it will always live in the hearts of men.

i'm just trying to make sure it never lives in the hearts...

of my men.

praying for Connecticut

i don't get it. i can't grasp it. i can't understand it.

the news coming out of Connecticut today is unreal. it doesn't make sense. it's unfathomable.

a gunman walked into an elementary school today and opened fire killing the principal, some staff members and 18 children. an entire kindergarten class.

and possibly more.

has this entire world gone crazy? have we fallen so far away from the core values of right and wrong that nothing...absolutely nothing...is beyond the imagination of what someone will justify doing to make themselves heard?

it's bad enough when the news reports adults killing adults. but children? who kills children? who just goes in a class and shoots 5 and 6 year olds? who is so caught up in their anger that they don't see those little bodies? those young lives? those innocent babies?

i want to throw up. i'm sick to my stomach. it's like my mind can't process the evil and my body wants to spit it out.

as a mom i want to rush to my son's elementary school and hug them all. all 600 of them. just hug every single one and celebrate their lives. celebrate their futures.

the futures that some will never have.

what parent imagines sending their child to school and never seeing them alive again? what parent imagines having to explain to their child why they're covered in blood and that people around them -their friends, their teachers- are dead? what parent can explain to those same children that school is a safe place -that America is a safe place- and they have nothing to fear?

the news just reported that the alleged gunman was 20 years old. 20. still almost a baby himself. and yet he was angry enough to walk into a school and take the lives of almost 30 people. it is believed that he killed his father first at home before he went to the school.

they're reporting now that the Kindergarten teacher that he killed may be his mother.

this is a terrible day.

an unbelievably terrible day. 

and it just seems to be getting worse.

because now they're saying it may be 20 children dead. and that the shooter's brother may be involved too.

it's almost 3pm here. the school bell's about to ring. our children here in North Carolina will be walking out the door and going home. but at an elementary school in Connecticut -almost 30 teachers, staff and children- won't be walking out their front door ever again. 


evil has made sure of that.

evil has surely made sure of that today.

dear Lord, i know this nation has turned its back on you. that families have turned their back on you. i pray Lord, that it's not too late to find our way back to you again. may your peace that transcends all understanding be ever present in the lives of the families of this tragedy in Connecticut today Lord. may you hold them in the palm of Your Hand while this storm is raging and may what satan meant for evil be turned and used for your glory. in Jesus' Name i pray.

 

the gift of matthew

my heart is heavy.

so heavy right now.

matthew butler...the boy we have been praying for, the boy we have been believing for, the boy who we thought a miracle had come for... is gone. he has died.

and i can't even imagine the pain his family feels. i can't imagine it.

i can't imagine how his mom and dad try to process this pain. i can't imagine how they even form a thought in the middle of such emotion.

because it doesn't seem fair. and it doesn't seem right. and it doesn't make sense.

and i'm not sure that it ever will.

when my sister died, even though she was in her 50's, my dad was devastated. he said to me on the plane ride to her funeral, "how does a parent outlive a child?". and i didn't know what to say.

because no matter the age, a child is always a child in a parent's heart. they remember the day they were born. they remember the silly moments. they remember the silly fights.

and they laugh, and they smile, and they cry.

i can't even imagine how much they cry.

and as Christians, as matthew being a Christian, we rejoice.

of COURSE, we rejoice.

because he is in a better place. because he is in Heaven.

because he is with Jesus.

but as humans...as broken, wearied and hopeful humans...sometimes that isn't enough for the moment.

it should be, but it isn't.

the rejoicing doesn't come right away, because we still want him here. we still want to hear his voice. we still want to see his smile. we still want him to walk out of that hospital room and live his life.

we still want him to change the world.

but through our tears, through our brokenness, through our heavy hearts...through all of our questions, and all of our sadness, we have to remember that has already has.

and we have to remember that he doesn't have to be here to keep doing so.

as i write this my 8 year old son is trying to find happy music to sing to me so i won't be sad. and it makes me cry harder. because it's that kind of love that makes us all cry right now.

it's the love of a child. it's the love of a parent. it's the love that never gives up.

it's the love that hopes even in middle of the hopeless moments.

and it's that kind of love that helps us all to go on.

oh Lord, we pray for peace.

for matthew's parents, for his sisters, for his family, for his friends. 

for all those whose life was made better because of him.

we pray Lord, for that peace that passes all understanding. we pray for comfort in the weak moments. we pray for strength, for courage, for hope. 

oh Lord, we pray for hope.

help us Lord to see you in this. help us to feel you. help us to know. help us to understand.

Lord, help us to hold on in the middle of the storm.

because sometimes Lord the holding on is just as hard as letting go.

my heart knows that matthew really isn't gone. he may be gone from this world but he isn't gone from our lives. he isn't gone from our memories. and he'll never be gone from our hearts.

matthew butler lives on in all of us.

matthew butler should always live on in all of us.

his life, his love, his gift, should forever be a part of us.

and that may be the miracle God was giving us all along.

rest in peace, sweet matthew. your race is finished.

well done, thy faithful servant, well done. 

mondays for matthew

this morning i went to a Prayer Service for matthew. 

it didn't go unnoticed by me that it was scheduled on a monday. you know i'm a monday girl. mondays to me are fresh starts. new opportunities. anything is possible kind of days. 

so it just made sense in my mind that we would gather to pray for a boy that we were expecting a fresh start for today. it made total sense that a day that we usually grumble and complain to God about, would instead start with thanks and praise to Him instead. 

there's no complaining about a monday when you're praying for thousands of more mondays for a boy in the battle of his life.

and so we gathered. 100 or so of us took our seats in the school auditorium.

there was a moment of silence and the room went quiet. suddenly we were all alone with our thoughts, all alone with our prayers.

there's something about silent prayers that are powerful. 

something about being in silence-with no noise from the world-that makes us look harder, look deeper, think more.

the family pastor gave an update. matthew is still on the lung machine. he's still sedated to give his body rest. his mom is still there with him. there's still a long way to go.

after he spoke people were invited to offer prayers from their seats, loud enough for the group to hear. loud enough to be heard over our beating hearts.

there's something about spoken prayers that are powerful too. 

something about hearing a heart that brings emotion, and agreement, and boldness.

there were tears of course. you heard them before you saw them. from all across the room, men and women offered their tears, along with their prayers to God.

there were all faiths represented too. Baptist, Catholic, Episcopalian, Lutheran, Methodist and more. different religions but one Jesus. and that's all that mattered this morning. that's all that we needed. that's all that matthew needed.

i looked around and wondered if that's what Heaven was like. where we didn't find reasons to separate. where we just loved God and loved our neighbor. where we didn't look at our differences. where those differences didn't matter at all.  

and i wondered if God wished the world was like that. and i was thankful that just for a moment, a small part of it was.

you couldn't be in that room this morning and not feel the love. you couldn't be witness to those prayers and not be moved. and you couldn't walk away without feeling like you just spent an hour of your life better than you spent a lot of other hours before.

and i wonder if that's part of what God is doing here. i wonder if that's part of the good that comes out of the bad. i wonder if that's part of the miracle. 

if we're part of the miracle. 

because for those of us gathered in that room, for those gathered across the United States, for those gathered in Denmark, and for those gathered at Piedmont Hospital ICU Red Bed 4, it wasn't about anything this morning except Jesus.

there were no politics, no grumbling, no gossip. there was no hatred, no fighting, no judgment. for one moment in our lives we were exactly where we were supposed to be...gathered together for Him.

people have told me of Matthew. told me of his love for Christ. told me of his desire to make a difference.

and today is proof that he IS making a difference. 

and today is proof that he HAS made a difference. 

and today is proof that he WILL continue to make a difference.

happy monday, matthew. 

this one was for you. 
 

standing in the gap for matthew

i don't write a lot anymore. i don't have time.

at least that's the excuse i make. and that's what i keep telling myself.

but i do have time...i just fill it with other things.

someone once told me, "everyone makes time for what they want to make time for." and that's one of the truest statements i have ever heard.

we all make time for what we want to make time for.

and hopefully the important things don't slip by.

the important moments aren't missed.

the important people aren't forgotten.

and sometimes, when we're faced with just how fragile life is, we stop to think about that. and we remember what we should be making time for.

we remember who we should be making time for.

for a lot of us in my small town, that time is spent on Matthew Butler. we wake up thinking about him. we spend our days thinking about him. and we go to sleep thinking about him.

because he's sick. really sick.

and he needs a miracle.

but thankfully we serve a miracle working God.

and we're fully expecting that miracle for him.

and so we pray. non-stop. continuously. all the time.

we pray with our eyes open and our eyes shut. we pray when we're sitting down and when we're standing up. we pray long fervent prayers and quick whispered ones.

we pray through tears, down on our knees, asking Him to hear us. and we pray in thanksgiving, knowing that He already has. 

we don't know what else to do, so we do what we know.

we pray.

all the time.

because we are determined to stand in the gap for Matthew.

because we are determined to lower him down through the roof and bring him to Jesus.

because we are determined to flood the very streets of Heaven with our love for him.

and because we are determined to pound on the doors of Hell to remind "satan, you take your hands off Matthew Butler in the Name of Jesus, you CANNOT have his life!!

"everyone makes time for what they want to make time for."

so very true.

Matthew, this time...our time...all of our time...is for you.

praying, believing, standing on the promise that Jesus bore your sickness on the Cross.

keep the faith. keep the fight. keep holding on.

and we'll keep praying.

always.

----------------------------------------------------



Luke Chapter 5
¹⁸ Some men came carrying a paralyzed man on a mat and tried to take him into the house to lay him before Jesus. ¹⁹ When they could not find a way to do this because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and lowered him on his mat through the tiles into the middle of the crowd, right in front of Jesus.
²⁰ When Jesus saw their faith, he said, “Friend, your sins are forgiven.”
²¹ The Pharisees and the teachers of the law began thinking to themselves, “Who is this fellow who speaks blasphemy? Who can forgive sins but God alone?”
²² Jesus knew what they were thinking and asked, “Why are you thinking these things in your hearts? ²³ Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? ²⁴ But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the paralyzed man, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” ²⁵ Immediately he stood up in front of them, took what he had been lying on and went home praising God. 

praying for matthew

i don't know him. this boy i have been praying for. but i don't have to know him. 

i know his mom and that is enough.

i know her smile and imagine his must be the same. i know her heart and know his can't be that far off. and i know her strength and imagine he must have some of that in him too.

i know some of his friends in this small town we live in. i've heard the good stories. seen the nice posts. read the great memories.

i keep updated on his status. his lupus struggles. his ICU visits. 

and i pray for him. because i'm a mom and that's what moms do. 

we pray. we hope. we dream.

not just for our children but for our friend's children. for our neighbor's children. for the children we see and all the ones we never see.

and we never give up. 

and so we pass the word. and start prayer chains. and keep hoping, keep believing, keep praying that God will hear these mother's prayers, see these mother's tears, and know these mother's hearts. 

and heal this boy.

oh matthew, i don't know you but i don't have to know you. because i look at my two boys and i see you in them. and i see everything i want you to become.

so stay strong. 

and keep the faith.

and know that you are not alone.

because we are praying for you.

we are all praying for you.

always.

------

"But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

 

 

 

be willing to offer what you have

we won't always know the plan.

we won't always understand how everything will work out.

we won't always think we can help.

but Jesus always does.

and He needs us to be willing to offer what we have without knowing the answers.

in John 6: 1-15 we see Jesus feeding the five thousand.

let's imagine ourselves there. let's imagine ourselves as disciples. 

five thousand people are stretched out before us. they've traveled to hear Jesus speak.

they're no doubt tired, and dirty, and hungry.

and Jesus sees that. He feels it. He knows it.

and He turns and asks Philip, "where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?"

"a half year's wages would not buy enough for each one to have a bite!", Philip declares.

can we hear the surprise in his response? he's probably thinking Jesus has lost His mind.

because Philip sees the never part of the problem. they could never do it. 

and if we were there, we'd have to agree. because there's a part of Philip in us.

a part that only sees the impossible. 

because it's not like there's a grocery store or a drive thru near by. there's no Super WalMart in sight. and in our mind it would take more than a Super WalMart anyway.

it would take a convention hall.

and a hundred workers.

and a kitchen staff beyond compare.

and we'd need a list of course. and a plan. and a few days to work out the details.

but Jesus had none of that. He needed none of that.

He just needed someone to see beyond the obvious. 

He just needed someone to believe in the impossible. 

He just needed someone to have faith in Him.

and then Andrew offers a little faith. it wasn't much, but it was something. 

"Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”, he questions.

"not far," we think to ourselves, "not far at all."

because deep down there's a part of Andrew in us too. 

a part that wants to help, but questions how so little can really make a difference.

but then there's the boy.

the one with the fish and the loaves.

the one with so little.

the one who gives what he has despite how it looks.

Jesus takes what the world sees as not enough and gives thanks to God for it.

and suddenly we see that what he has is all He needs.

because it ended up being enough and more.

the Bible says they had leftovers.

five thousand people ate until they were full and there were leftovers.

seems impossible.

and it is impossible when we look at it through earthly eyes. it is impossible when we focus on our limitations. but when we look at it through faith we see clearly. when we look at it through faith we see possibilities.

and that's what God needs us to see.

a faith that can move mountains.

a God of the impossible.

and our God of the impossible needs us to be willing to offer what we have even when it seems small. our God of the impossible needs us to willing to believe in Him despite the circumstances. our God of the impossible needs us to be willing to thank Him even in the moments when it seems like it's not enough. 

because it is enough.

because He is enough.

because He is always enough. 

and nothing is impossible for Him.

is God asking you to trust Him in an impossible situation? are you willing to offer Him all you have? will you let Him be enough for you?

"Is anything too hard for the Lord?" Genesis 18:14

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139: 23-24

life is beyond me

it's Five Minute Friday over at lisajobaker.com and today's writing prompt is "Beyond." take 5 minutes, write without editing or worrying what someone will think, and link up with a community of others who have done the same. i'm doing it and hope you do too. oh, and don't forget to encourage the person who linked up right before you, because that's what this is all about...encouraging people. somehow when you stop to encourage someone else, a little bit of that hope comes right back to you.

beyond

sometimes life is beyond me. sometimes people and what they do are beyond me. sometimes who i've become in the middle of all the chaos is beyond me.

and i get consumed. and overwhelmed. and alone. really alone.

because the darkness of the world, the darkness of me, is beyond what i can understand. beyond what i can comprehend. beyond what i can handle.

and i find myself wondering why i try. why i bother. why i care.

and i wonder if it's worth it.

i wonder if i'm worth it.

and i get lost in the wondering. i get lost in the questioning. i get lost in the battle.

and right in the middle of my occasional darkness, God finds me. always. He always finds me. He always finds a way of letting me know He sees me. He always finds a way of letting me know He hears me. He always finds a way of wrapping His arms around me in such a way that i know that i am not alone.

i am not alone.

and neither are you.

because even when this world, even when this life, is beyond me...is beyond you...

He never is.

life thoughts

thought for the day

daily thoughts

simple rule of life

what i have failed to do

 there's a prayer we say in Church each week that i love.

"I confess to almighty God, and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned through my own fault, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do..."

first i love the confession part. the admitting of my mistakes. the acknowledgement of my weakness. 

the owning of my behavior.

it's having the courage to stand up and say, i'm not perfect and i know it. 

it's saying i know i have fault. 

it's not blaming it on others. 

and i love the part that reminds me that my sinning comes both through my thoughts AND my words. that it's not always just what people hear, but what God hears that i need to be accountable for.

but the part i love the most, the part that gets me to look at my life with different eyes, is this line.: 

"in what i have done and in what I HAVE FAILED TO DO."

wow.

it gets me every time.

what i have failed to do. what i have failed to say. when i have failed to act.

it's one thing to have to account for my actions. but to ask to be held accountable for what i haven't done? to confess for something that i didn't do? to answer for things that never came to pass?

yes. an absolute yes.

and it's not a false confession either. and it's not being a false witness.

but it's a humility, a humbleness, an honesty that requires me to be real. 

a faith that requires a closer look. a courage that requires a complete disclosure. 

a genuine prayer that comes from knowing God has given me gifts that i don't use. talent that i waste. resources that i don't use for His glory.

of all the things i do, i think it's the things i never get around to that might hurt Him the most.

when i don't stand up. when i don't speak up. when i don't follow the call to action.

how many people have i overlooked? how many ideas have i not made time for? how many nudges have i ignored?

God needs me to do my part and yet i spend too much time watching television. i spend too much money on things i don't need. i spend too much attention on things that don't matter.

and none of it brings glory to Him.

and so i pray and confess with our whole Church for both the things i have done and for the things i have failed to do.

because i want to be different.

i want this week to be different.

i want my life to be different.

for Him.

keep the faith!!!

my life thoughts

handbook list for girls

                                    

 

swear words always make you look bad and sound terrible. 

you should talk to your friends, not about them.  

decide that you are worth it and then act that way. (AND dress that way.)

realize that a boy doesn't define you or determine your happiness. you do.

the easiest way to avoid drama is to remove yourself from it. 

own your mistakes. and make them right. right away.

don't say something that isn't true. remember an opinion is not a fact.

understand that beauty is not determined by how you look, but by how you live.

love is not something to be thrown around. or used carelessly. or taken for granted. 

(and it's not something you owe anybody for.)

accept who you are. all of you. and believe that God made you for a purpose.

 

honor yourself. with your words. with your actions. with your life.

be truthful. 

be you.

be nice.

             

it's hard when people know your secret

it's hard when people know your secret.

when your struggles come to light. when your missteps are noticed.

and talked about.

and judged.

it's hard when a decision defines you.

how a moment in your life becomes who you are to others.

it's hard when you think you hear whispers. when you fear your friends might turn away. when the life you had becomes the life you used to know.

it's hard when no one acts like they have their own secret.

their own struggle. their own failing.

it's hard to not feel alone when the rest of the world seems to be pointing at you.

and noticing your battle.

your brokenness.

your pain.

it's hard when you feel you've let others down. when your trials consume you. when your troubles threaten to overtake you.

nothing about struggling is easy.

nothing about life is easy.

but despite what the world may have us believe...

our circumstances don't define us.

our failures aren't fatal.

our setbacks aren't set in stone.

each day gives us a new beginning. each day gives us another chance.

you may have fallen, but you will get up.

you may have stumbled, but you will find your way.

you may be scared, but you will make it.

and those of us who have survived need to reach out to those who are still hurting. those of us who have failed need to be willing to admit the failures.

because others are strengthened when they know they're not alone.

others are encouraged when they know they're not in it by themselves. 

"Two are better than one...if one falls down the other can help him up." Ecc 4:19

God has a way of using what we think are the very worst moments of our lives to bring about our greatest blessings.

He has a way of using our trials to bring us triumph.

He has a way of taking what we wanted to keep hidden and using it to help.

yes, it's hard when people know our secrets.

it's hard when people know our pain.

but sometimes healing can only come for all of us when they do.

i'm the loud one

loud.

that's what they call me. that's what they say i am.

actually they don't have to say anything.

their step back and their stare says it all.

gosh, you're loud. hey lady, you're loud.

i know it. and it doesn't phase me.

because in most parts of my life i'm quiet. sometimes too quiet.

but not here. not at my son's match. not at my son's meet.

here i'm loud. here i'm screaming. here i don't care who sees me.

because i need him to hear me.

i need him to know i'm on his side.

i want him to know he has someone in his corner.

and not just him but all the kids on the team.

i yell for them too.

i'm loud on their behalf.

because i need them to hear me.

i need them to know i'm on their side.

i want them to know someone is in their corner.

and i don't think that happens enough in life.

where we forget how we look for the sake of someone else.

where we purposefully make sure someone knows they are not alone.

and everyone needs a cheerleader. everyone needs to hear encouragement.

and if no one else will do it, i will.

i'll be the loud one for them.

always. 

=======



it's Five Minute Fridays over at http://thegypsymama.com/ and today i'm trying it for the first time. she gives the prompt (today it's the word "loud") and then you write for 5 minutes unedited. it was fun! if you're a blogger, try it too!!!

\
here's the rules....

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back to her blog and invite others to join in.
3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.

the most important choice

there are some who think the gift of life
is nothing more than chance
and a baby is not real when it's conceived

and i guess they must accept this
because it's easier to sleep
when a mind has only good things to believe

but the Lord of all creation
is looking at this world
and wondering if we'll ever find it wrong

to carry out a sentence
that always ends in death
to the little one whose voice is not yet strong

we can find a million reasons
to justify this right
and we can find a way to make our conscience small

but when we think we're smart enough
to play around with life
we forget about the greatest loss of all

for we might not see their faces
and we might not hear their cries
and we might not know the path they would have found

that doesn't change the impact
our power could have held
when we had the chance to turn this world around

God doesn't give us babies
to see how we'll react
or to argue when it's life will first begin

He gives us all these blessings
in hopes that we might see
that this important choice belongs to Him.

colleen laquay urbaniuk

i love when God finds you

i love when God does that.

when He finds us right in the middle of our hiding.

when He seeks us out right in the middle of our excuses.

when He calls out in that still small voice to remind us that He needs us to be us.

not our neighbors.

not our friends.

not someone else we wish we were.

He needs us to be us.

He needs you to be you.

He needs me to be me.

and everything we need to be ourselves, He's already given us.

everything we need to be who He needs us to be is inside of us.

you should be you.

i should be me.

how simple.

how true.

how great.


here's the post i read today that gave me this realization. you should definitely check it out:   http://thegypsymama.com/2012/03/nothing-is-ever-as-easy-as-it-seems-especially-not-that/#comments


i stand in awe of God!!!