what i have failed to do

 there's a prayer we say in Church each week that i love.

"I confess to almighty God, and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned through my own fault, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do..."

first i love the confession part. the admitting of my mistakes. the acknowledgement of my weakness. 

the owning of my behavior.

it's having the courage to stand up and say, i'm not perfect and i know it. 

it's saying i know i have fault. 

it's not blaming it on others. 

and i love the part that reminds me that my sinning comes both through my thoughts AND my words. that it's not always just what people hear, but what God hears that i need to be accountable for.

but the part i love the most, the part that gets me to look at my life with different eyes, is this line.: 

"in what i have done and in what I HAVE FAILED TO DO."

wow.

it gets me every time.

what i have failed to do. what i have failed to say. when i have failed to act.

it's one thing to have to account for my actions. but to ask to be held accountable for what i haven't done? to confess for something that i didn't do? to answer for things that never came to pass?

yes. an absolute yes.

and it's not a false confession either. and it's not being a false witness.

but it's a humility, a humbleness, an honesty that requires me to be real. 

a faith that requires a closer look. a courage that requires a complete disclosure. 

a genuine prayer that comes from knowing God has given me gifts that i don't use. talent that i waste. resources that i don't use for His glory.

of all the things i do, i think it's the things i never get around to that might hurt Him the most.

when i don't stand up. when i don't speak up. when i don't follow the call to action.

how many people have i overlooked? how many ideas have i not made time for? how many nudges have i ignored?

God needs me to do my part and yet i spend too much time watching television. i spend too much money on things i don't need. i spend too much attention on things that don't matter.

and none of it brings glory to Him.

and so i pray and confess with our whole Church for both the things i have done and for the things i have failed to do.

because i want to be different.

i want this week to be different.

i want my life to be different.

for Him.

keep the faith!!!

my life thoughts

handbook list for girls

                                    

 

swear words always make you look bad and sound terrible. 

you should talk to your friends, not about them.  

decide that you are worth it and then act that way. (AND dress that way.)

realize that a boy doesn't define you or determine your happiness. you do.

the easiest way to avoid drama is to remove yourself from it. 

own your mistakes. and make them right. right away.

don't say something that isn't true. remember an opinion is not a fact.

understand that beauty is not determined by how you look, but by how you live.

love is not something to be thrown around. or used carelessly. or taken for granted. 

(and it's not something you owe anybody for.)

accept who you are. all of you. and believe that God made you for a purpose.

 

honor yourself. with your words. with your actions. with your life.

be truthful. 

be you.

be nice.

             

it's hard when people know your secret

it's hard when people know your secret.

when your struggles come to light. when your missteps are noticed.

and talked about.

and judged.

it's hard when a decision defines you.

how a moment in your life becomes who you are to others.

it's hard when you think you hear whispers. when you fear your friends might turn away. when the life you had becomes the life you used to know.

it's hard when no one acts like they have their own secret.

their own struggle. their own failing.

it's hard to not feel alone when the rest of the world seems to be pointing at you.

and noticing your battle.

your brokenness.

your pain.

it's hard when you feel you've let others down. when your trials consume you. when your troubles threaten to overtake you.

nothing about struggling is easy.

nothing about life is easy.

but despite what the world may have us believe...

our circumstances don't define us.

our failures aren't fatal.

our setbacks aren't set in stone.

each day gives us a new beginning. each day gives us another chance.

you may have fallen, but you will get up.

you may have stumbled, but you will find your way.

you may be scared, but you will make it.

and those of us who have survived need to reach out to those who are still hurting. those of us who have failed need to be willing to admit the failures.

because others are strengthened when they know they're not alone.

others are encouraged when they know they're not in it by themselves. 

"Two are better than one...if one falls down the other can help him up." Ecc 4:19

God has a way of using what we think are the very worst moments of our lives to bring about our greatest blessings.

He has a way of using our trials to bring us triumph.

He has a way of taking what we wanted to keep hidden and using it to help.

yes, it's hard when people know our secrets.

it's hard when people know our pain.

but sometimes healing can only come for all of us when they do.

i'm the loud one

loud.

that's what they call me. that's what they say i am.

actually they don't have to say anything.

their step back and their stare says it all.

gosh, you're loud. hey lady, you're loud.

i know it. and it doesn't phase me.

because in most parts of my life i'm quiet. sometimes too quiet.

but not here. not at my son's match. not at my son's meet.

here i'm loud. here i'm screaming. here i don't care who sees me.

because i need him to hear me.

i need him to know i'm on his side.

i want him to know he has someone in his corner.

and not just him but all the kids on the team.

i yell for them too.

i'm loud on their behalf.

because i need them to hear me.

i need them to know i'm on their side.

i want them to know someone is in their corner.

and i don't think that happens enough in life.

where we forget how we look for the sake of someone else.

where we purposefully make sure someone knows they are not alone.

and everyone needs a cheerleader. everyone needs to hear encouragement.

and if no one else will do it, i will.

i'll be the loud one for them.

always. 

=======



it's Five Minute Fridays over at http://thegypsymama.com/ and today i'm trying it for the first time. she gives the prompt (today it's the word "loud") and then you write for 5 minutes unedited. it was fun! if you're a blogger, try it too!!!

\
here's the rules....

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back to her blog and invite others to join in.
3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.

the most important choice

there are some who think the gift of life
is nothing more than chance
and a baby is not real when it's conceived

and i guess they must accept this
because it's easier to sleep
when a mind has only good things to believe

but the Lord of all creation
is looking at this world
and wondering if we'll ever find it wrong

to carry out a sentence
that always ends in death
to the little one whose voice is not yet strong

we can find a million reasons
to justify this right
and we can find a way to make our conscience small

but when we think we're smart enough
to play around with life
we forget about the greatest loss of all

for we might not see their faces
and we might not hear their cries
and we might not know the path they would have found

that doesn't change the impact
our power could have held
when we had the chance to turn this world around

God doesn't give us babies
to see how we'll react
or to argue when it's life will first begin

He gives us all these blessings
in hopes that we might see
that this important choice belongs to Him.

colleen laquay urbaniuk

i love when God finds you

i love when God does that.

when He finds us right in the middle of our hiding.

when He seeks us out right in the middle of our excuses.

when He calls out in that still small voice to remind us that He needs us to be us.

not our neighbors.

not our friends.

not someone else we wish we were.

He needs us to be us.

He needs you to be you.

He needs me to be me.

and everything we need to be ourselves, He's already given us.

everything we need to be who He needs us to be is inside of us.

you should be you.

i should be me.

how simple.

how true.

how great.


here's the post i read today that gave me this realization. you should definitely check it out:   http://thegypsymama.com/2012/03/nothing-is-ever-as-easy-as-it-seems-especially-not-that/#comments


i stand in awe of God!!!

when a stranger touches your heart

i never met her. this girl who touched my heart.

i glimpsed her through her blog only after i started blogging.

it was coincidence. or happenstance. or chance.

or maybe fate that directed me towards her.

sara. the gitzen girl. 

i read her words, read her story and found inspiration in her basic decision: choose joy.

so simple.

and yet so hard.

life is all about choices. choices about what to wear, what to eat, where to live.

choices about partners, and friends, and jobs.

but sara reminded everyone that our most important choices...the ones that matter in the end...are those choices we make with our hearts.

those chances we decide to take.

the willingness we have to risk looking silly for the sake of something bigger.

something better.

something more.

and that's what sara did. that's what sara shared.

she laid her life on the line. she laid her heart out for all to see. she laid out her bad and her good. her heartaches and triumphs. her pleasures and pain. and she kept reminding only one thing.

choose joy.

and she defined that by choosing to see the good. in everything and in everyone.

by choosing not to focus on the bad. by choosing not to see her obstacles as roadblocks. by choosing not to blame God for what she was missing, but choosing instead to thank Him for what she had.

such great lessons. such a great life.

and such a short one.

because in the middle of her inspiration was a girl who knew she didn't have long to share it.

sara was dying.

and all the people she touched through her words rallied around her in the real world and rallied around her in the blog world.

it didn't matter that most had never met her. that most would never see her face.

because people only wanted to let her know that she mattered. people wanted to let her know that she helped them. people wanted to let her know that she inspired them.

oh the prayers that Heaven must have received on her behalf!

she died a few months ago and yet i still think of her. i'm still reminded of her goodness. i still remember her heart.

strangers in this world. sisters in the next.

goodbye sweet sara, until we meet again.

your words, your attitude, your decision to live - to really live - touched my heart.

and you will forever remain in mine.


you can meet sara too...here's her blog...

garth brooks : my wish for the next 50 years

to those who know me well, it's no secret that my favorite entertainer is garth brooks.

for years, when i would conduct new hire orientation at a resort i was working at, i would include that piece of information at every session.

really, every one.

once a month for 9 years.

everyone knew. pretty much everyone who knows me still knows.

i love garth brooks.

not in that fantasy i wish he would marry me type way. i'm already happily married. 

and not in that creepy stalker-ish way that has me following his every move and knowing every single detail of his life. because i barely have time keeping up with my own life, let alone trying to do it for someone else.

but i love him in that love you have for someones passion.

that appreciation you have for someones gift.

that admiration you have for someones humanity.

because the passion causes him to live on purpose. to make decisions that mean something. to do things that outlive the moment.

and the gift causes him to reach people that would not otherwise be reached. and touch people in ways unexpected. and change lives. and heal wounds. and give hope.  

and the humanity requires him to share what he has. to be in awe of where he's at. and to be humbled by every second of it.

and i love that about him. and i wish more people were like that.

and i strive to be more like that everyday.

so today, on his 50th birthday, i offer a wish, and a hope, and a dream, for every moment of every day for the next 50 years...


i wish you 50 more years of a deep desire to find the good in each day. to search out the good in each person. to show people the good that is still in this world.

i wish you 50 more years of being surrounded by those you love and who love you. people who you'll stand up for. people who you'll fight for. people who you'll thank God for. and that those people will do the same for you without question.

i wish you 50 more years of the knowledge that struggles make you stronger. that those you've lost can still be heard. and that even your pain has something to be thankful for.

i wish you 50 more years of incredible memories, unbelievable moments and amazing opportunities-and that they're shared with strangers, and optimists and dreamers of impossible dreams.

i wish you 50 more years of choosing to find hope in the hopeless. of choosing to give courage to the lost. of choosing to bring compassion to the broken.

but of everything i wish for you, i wish you this the most. that Jesus may fill your heart to overflowing. that His life will be the example that you live. and that His death will mean so much to you...that there is never a doubt as to who you serve.

happy birthday. everyday.

what are we waiting for?

what if we all stepped it up a notch? 

what if we all decided to strive for excellence in everything we do? what if we all made the choice to be more compassionate, more merciful, more loving...more forgiving? what if today was the day that millions of us chose to live in such a way that others wanted to know our secret, wanted to get what we had, wanted to be like us? what if we did it? what if our faith became our focus? what if Jesus became our life? what's holding US back? what's holding YOU back? we have within us the chance to change the world. 

what are we waiting for?

 

www.thegiftofmondays.com

it's always your choice

when you say something mean...it's your choice. 

when you do something wrong...it's your choice. 

when your attitude is negative...it's your choice. 

you can try to blame your background, or your family, or another person, 

but you'd be wrong. 

everyone has obstacles. 

everyone has difficulties. 

everyone has hardships. 

everyone. 

and everyone has a choice. 

when faced with negative, choose to be positive. 

every time. 

because you CAN'T control the world,

but you CAN control you.

www.thegiftofmondays.com

what i've learned in 43 years

 my life has taught me...

that actions speak louder than words.

that you should always keep your promises.

that words hurt.

that kindness matters.

that everyone needs love.

that everyone needs compassion.

that everyone needs mercy.

that you should do what you say and say what you mean.

that a white lie is still a lie.

that your character is proven in the moments when no one is looking.

that a hug can make someones day.

that you should look someone in the eye when you speak.

that a smile is the same in any language.

that a true friend loves you even when you don't deserve it.

that you should love others when they don't deserve it as well.

that God is real and Jesus is life.

that you're never ready for someone to die.

that a compliment is never wasted.

that the people you love should know you love them.

that children are a gift.

that my attitude is my choice.

that my dad was right. about everything.

that remembering someones name is important.

that everyone makes mistakes.

that forgiving (even yourself) is necessary.

that everyone has value.

that racism is ugly.

that we should never be ugly.

that stupid is a bad word.

that telling the truth really does set you free.

that crying doesn't mean you're weak.

that everyone deserves a second chance.

that holding on to shame is dangerous.

that getting what you want isn't always what you need.

that no one wins a fight.

that you should build people up and not tear them down.

that getting even is never worth it.

that you can't take something back once you've said it.

that being mean is never acceptable.

that God is awesome and amazing and wonderful.

that this life is not about me.

that this life is about Him.

be kind always

daily encouragement

 

be the most positive person in your world today. 

be kind to everyone. be thoughtful and caring in every situation. 

say nice things, offer compliments, keep smiling. 

it won't be easy. it may not even be fun at times. 

but it will be worth it. 

because being positive changes people. being positive changes you. 

God has given you a light, so let it shine. 

and decide to shine it brighter than all the rest. 

happy thursday!!!

daily encouragement

when you think you've lost all hope, you haven't, because the God of all hope is never lost. you may have lost your way, you may have stepped off the path, you may have never found the road to begin with, but it's not too late. it's never too late. our lives begin again every morning. today is a new start. today is a new hope. and our start and our hope lies in Jesus. all is not lost. all is never lost. ♥

do you have to be rude?

i can't stand when people are rude.

it's a trigger for me. it pushes my buttons.

it makes my sense of grace fly right out the window.

i hate when people think that a sense of being right overrules a sense of being nice.

when they feel like the world owes them something.

when they think that they're better than someone else.

it's a type of arrogance that makes me mad.

it makes me see red.

it makes me forget i'm a Christian.

and the devil knows that.

and God knows that.

and so the tests keep coming.

the rude people come out of the woodwork.

my patience wears thin.

because the devil wants me to lose my temper.

and God wants me to win the fight.

and sometimes i do win.

but more often i lose.

because i don't see the good in people when they're rude.

i don't see a child of God when they're being ugly.

i don't see the face of Jesus in their arrogance.

but then God doesn't see it in me either.

not when i'm frustrated at them. not when i'm talking about them. not when i'm judging them.

and surely not when i'm trying to get in the last word.

or trying to prove that i'm right.

or worried more about my rights then His request.

because He has asked me to be slow in becoming angry.

He has asked me to be patient.

He has asked me to see the plank in my own eye.

and i do see it but i don't want to admit it.

because if i admitted it, then i'd have to admit that i'm arrogant at times.

i'd have to admit that i'm not always nice.

i'd have to admit that sometimes i'm the rude one.

and i'd hate to admit any of that.

and i think that's why God keeps testing me.

because He needs to get me from where i am to where i need to be.

and in order to change me, He needs me to see the problem.

He needs me to be disgusted with it.

He needs me to hate it enough in others that i refuse to allow it in myself.

because i can't stand when people are rude.

and i can't stand it when i'm rude either.

and God needs someone to change.

and i think He's looking at me.

i'm not special

i'm not special.

i'm nobody important.

i don't have power. or prestige. or fame. 

i'm just a regular girl with a regular life.

but i have a Bible.

and i have a voice.

and i have a Word from God that says He is no respecter of persons.

what He did for one, He will do for all.

and i'm included in that all.

i believe in that all.

i trust in that all.

and so i seek Him.

and i knock.

and i come before His throne.

and i bring others with me.

and i lift us up.

and i talk with Him.

and i give Him thanks.

for you.

for me.

for everything.

but i'm not any more special.

or any more important.

or any more forgiven.

than anyone else.

i just really want more of Him.

for me.

and for you.

because He's what makes us special.

He's what makes us stand out.

He's what makes us important.

because He is important.

to us all.

i'm scared of God

i'm scared of God.

i'm scared of what He needs from me.

i'm scared of what He will ask me to do.

though i talk with a boldness for Christ, it's not a complete boldness.

though i walk with my hand in His, i'm constantly pulling away.

it's embarrassing to admit i'm not completely sold out for Christ.

it's hard to confess i feel safer in the shadows.

but i do.

and it's a constant source of struggle for me.

there's a part of my heart that longs to throw caution to the wind and step out in faith.

real faith.

the faith that has you give it all away.

the faith that has you live the Gospel.

the faith that has you telling God that you will do anything for Him.

the faith that is anything but safe.

but "anything" has too many questions. anything means uncertainties. 

anything is hard.

and i'm not sure i can do the hard He might ask me to do.

because what if He asks me to be Job? what if i have to lose my family, my children, my home? what if He asks me to give up everything i have for Him?

what if He wants me to be Paul? imprisoned and beaten for Him.

or Peter? or John?

would i be able to live a life of enthusiasm if i had to suffer for it? could i be be joyful in the midst of such struggle and pain?

i have faith. even big faith at times.

but i'm not sure i have the faith God needs from me for the big stuff. 

the really big stuff.

because i feel safer in the shadows.

and that's my struggle. the safe shadows or the uncertain light.

the partial faith or the sold out for Christ faith.

the i'll do anything faith or the i'll do anything BUT faith.

but God has been working on me.

and God has been changing my heart.

and God has been asking me to step out.

oh God, give me the faith i need to be who you need me to be.

because i want to be that person...

that i've been too scared to be for you.

i've been gone

i've been gone for awhile now. over two months to be exact. 

at least in the blog world anyway.

but in the real world it's been much longer.

in fact it's been so long i don't even remember when i left. 

but i did. 

i walked away. actually, i ran. as far and as fast as i could.

because i'm screwed up.

i've always known that but most people don't. 

i put on a good front. i wear a mask. i build a wall.

and i rarely, if ever, show someone the real me.

it's easier that way.

keeps me from being hurt. keeps me from loving someone and then losing them. keeps me from being betrayed or rejected or looked over...

again.

i learned that early in life.

that people leave. that they hurt you. that they die.

and it sometimes takes a lifetime to recover from it.

and sometimes you don't recover at all.

and so i wear masks. and i build walls. and i only show people what i want them to see.

small glimpses. tiny peeks. quick snapshots. 

because it's easier that way. 

and that's all that i've been brave enough to share.  

until this blog. 

until i started writing for the whole world to see.

my mistakes. my failures. my pain.  

my desire to help trying to overcome my desire to hide.

and it did for awhile. but i panicked. and then i did what i do best.

i backed away.

one of my friends emailed me a few weeks ago. she wondered about my blog. she wondered where i've been. she wondered if i was okay.

and she wondered why she never knew some of the stuff i wrote about. how we could have known each other for so long and yet it felt like she knew so little about me. she wondered where she fit in my life.

and it made me cry. because everything she said was true. everything she asked was valid.

and i 've known it since forever. 

that i'm good at hiding. 

that i'm good at shutting people out.

that my entire life was an open book...but only to the pages i wanted someone to see. 
 
i didn't respond to her questions. i couldn't even re-read the email. 

because that was the battle i was waging. 

that was the fight i was in the middle of. 

that was the war i was trying desperately to win.
 

the war between forgiveness and trust. the fight between letting in and letting go. the battle between who i am and who i want to be. 

and so...i've been gone for awhile now. 

because i was letting down too much of my guard. 

i was revealing too much of the real me. 

i was letting people too far in and it scared me. 

but i'm finally tired of being scared. 

and i'm finally tired of fear.

and i'm finally tired of hiding.

and so i'm back. and i'm trusting. and i'm letting down my guard.

and i'm praying for God to use me. 

the real me. 

to help someone else who needs to find the real them too.  

happy monday!!!

i used to have an eating disorder

i used to have an eating disorder.

that's not easy for me to say.

because most people don't know.

and i thought most people never would.

it's not that i'm embarrassed or ashamed.

because i'm not.

but i know how some people are.

i know that once they know the truth, they'll look at me different. they'll watch my steps and wonder if i'm slipping. they'll start to find ways to assume it's still me.

because some who do know...do that to me now.

but it's not me anymore.

and it hasn't been me for awhile.

but just because i say it's not me, doesn't mean some people forget.

because some people don't. and some people never will.

and it's hard when they remind me. it's hard when they won't believe me.

because i've tried very hard to overcome my past.

so i've told very few and trusted very little. 

even now i hesitate to share the truth. i hesitate for people to know.

because i'd rather avoid the questions. i'd rather avoid the comments.

but i can't avoid the obvious.

i can't stand by when i see too many people like me. too many fighting the same fight.

and i can't let them think they're alone. because they're not.

and so i share my truth for them. i take the risk because someone once risked it for me.

food used to be a major issue for me. my weight used to be a major issue for me. 

and it took a long time to overcome the fear of both.

i experimented with weight loss pills. weight loss drinks.

i made myself throw up. i tried laxatives. i exercised continuously.

i binged. i purged. i stopped eating. i hid my food.

anything to lose weight. anything to reach a number i thought was ideal.

but it wasn't ideal.

it was ridiculous.

but i didn't see that then. i didn't know that then.

all i knew was that the world rewarded skinny and that's who i wanted to be.

skinny. thin. envied. complimented.

skinny meant popular. skinny meant victory. skinny meant i had made it.

but all i really made was a mess.

it was a secret that i kept from everyone.

oh people whispered. and people talked. usually behind my back. rarely to my face.

some assumed i was anorexic. or bulimic.

or both.

but it didn't matter what they named it. it didn't matter what they called it.

it only mattered that i was lost. and i needed help.

and though people whispered and talked about me, no one actually talked to me.

until one friend did. 

she didn't whisper. she didn't assume. she just shared the truth.

her truth.

she told me her own story. her own struggle. her own issues with food.

and she invited me to go talk to someone...with her.

and by trusting me with her truth, she allowed me to do the same with mine.

because admitting i needed help was the first step to getting better.

admitting i was broken, was the first step to finding my way again.

sharing my struggles with those who had struggled, gave me strength. gave me hope. gave me the desire to change.

it wasn't easy. and it wasn't overnight.

but it was a start. and it was a step.

and though it's not who i am anymore, it will always be a part of me. it will always be my story. it will always be my truth.

my dad used to tell me, "tell the truth and the truth will set you free." and he was right.

because i did. and it has. and i am.

and if it's your truth, i hope you will do the same.

it won't be easy. it won't be overnight. but it will be worth it.

because you are worth it. 

your life is worth it.

and you are not alone.

is God listening?

sometimes it's not hard to wonder if God is listening. to ask if He sees what's going on.

with so much pain and suffering in this world, we wonder if He's turned His back. if He's walked away. if He's given up.

i know i would. i'd turn my back. i'd walk away. i'd give up.

and i have before.

because it's all too much. it's all too overwhelming.

the tragedies, the abuse, the downright craziness of this world is too much to think about. too much to bear.

who wants that job? to be in charge. 

to be the one people look to for answers. to be the one people look for to blame.

not me. don't sign me up. don't throw my name in the bucket. i'm not interested.

at all.

i have no desire to be the one who has to fix this mess. to deal with these issues.

but thankfully i don't have to volunteer. i don't have to worry that someone might see me hiding in the back and ask me to take charge. 

because God's already done that.

He's already taken that responsibility.

and He doesn't need me to fix this world. He doesn't need me to think that it's all on my shoulders.

because it isn't. 

it's on His.

He's got this. He's got the plan. He knows what needs to be done.

and though it's not all about me, He needs me. He needs you.

He needs us to help in our little corner of this world.

He needs us to spend more time reaching out to others than worrying about ourselves.

He needs us to help the broken. to seek the lost. to pray for the hurting.

and not every every broken, lost, or hurting person. 

but the ones He puts in our path.

the ones we see everyday. the ones who tug at our hearts even as we turn away.

we don't have to save the world but we should want to help where we can.

because for some, the first time they see God, the first time they feel Him, is through us.

through our compassion. through our actions. through our love.

with so much hurting in this world, sometimes it's easy for us to wonder about God. to wonder if He sees what's going on.

it's easy to sit back and wonder if God is listening.

but the real question, the much harder one and the one we don't always want to know the answer to is this...

are we?

i missed a broken soul

she's gone. she's dead. she couldn't face the world anymore and so she chose to leave.

it's been 2 years and no matter how hard i try, i can't let it go.

no matter how hard i want to forget, the memory keeps coming back.

no matter how much i don't want to cry, the tears keep coming.

they won't stop. they catch me off guard. they sneak up on me. they make me remember.

and i hate it.

i hate the tears. i hate the remembering. i hate the knowing that i failed.

i hate it all.

but most of all i hate that she's dead.

i hate that i can't see her.

i hate that i can't help her.

i hate that i can't talk her out of it.

we sing a song in Church that always reminds me of her.

"see His body, His blood, know that He has overcome, every trial we will face. and none too lost to be saved, none too broken or ashamed..."*

and that's as far i as get. i can't sing past this point.

because it feels like she was too lost. it feels like she was too broken. it feels like her trials were too much to overcome.

and most of all, it feels like someone should have saved her.

but no one did.

and maybe no one could.

but i wonder about that everyday.

and i miss her every moment.

and i can't seem to let it go.

and i hate it.

all of it. 

but i lay it at the Cross.

because that's all i can do.

and i pray to God that i never miss a broken soul again.

---
* songs lyrics from Remembrance/Matt Maher

it's going to be a great day

it's going to be a great day.

say it outloud.

now say it again.

with enthusiasm.

it's going to be a great day!

forget everything else you have to do today and keep saying it.

say it until it becomes a habit. until it's your first reaction to every day.  until you wake up thinking it. say it so much that your thoughts turn to beliefs.

stay in the habit of joy. of knowing that no matter what the day brings, God will bring you through it.

He's done it before. He will do it again.

today is going to be a great day. it's God's day. 

He made it for you. He made it for me. 

believe it. 

and watch it come to pass.

"this is the day the Lord has made. let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

i should be good at death by now

it seems as if my whole life people have been dying.

my mom, my godfather, my uncle.

my sister, my friend, my dad.

i started at such a young age (six) that one would think i'd be a pro by now. that death would be old hat to me. that it wouldn't still catch me by surprise. or make me lose my breath. or cause me to break down.

but it does.

all of those things.

just because i started early doesn't mean i've mastered it. or that i like it. or that i know what to say or what to do.

actually, i'm probably worse at it than most. i fumble it. i stumble over my words.

i react with crazy questions like..."are you joking?"

i mean really,  who asks that? as if someone is going to joke about death. but it seems to be my standard response when i hear the news for the first time.

i said that back in november when my husband's cousin died in the operating room. it was supposed to be routine surgery but there were complications and he didn't make it. "you're kidding, right?" i said to his sister, a girl i have known most of her life. a girl i have loved most of her life. " i'm not kidding," she responded, "he's gone."

i had to smack myself.  her brother just died and i asked if she was kidding? who does that?

that would be me. the girl who should be good at death but isn't. the girl who wants so much to say the right thing but doesn't know what to say.

because it doesn't matter how many deaths i've lived through. it doesn't matter how many funerals i've gone to or cemeteries i've visited. i can't change death. i can't fix it. i can't make it better.

and that's hard for me.

because i'm a fixer. i'm the one who wants to make it right. and there's nothing right in death. not on this earth anyway.

not when the emotions are raw. and the pain is real. and the wounds are fresh.

there's nothing right...right then. and sometimes there's nothing right for awhile.

and that's what my heart focuses on. the "awhile" part. i skip ahead in my mind and wonder what i can do to make it all make sense. to make it all obvious to a bigger plan. to make it all not hurt as much as it does at the moment.

but i flounder. and i fumble. and i fail.

and i say crazy things like, "are you kidding?" and "you're joking right?" and i wonder why i even open my mouth at all.

but i do. because a part of me doesn't want to believe. and a part of me wishes i never heard. and a part of me wants to help. and somehow every emotion runs through me so quickly that i say the only thing that seems to make sense at the moment. that it must be a mistake. that it must be wrong. that it must be a joke.

but it never is.

my disbelief doesn't change the news.  my unwillingness to accept doesn't bring them back.

and if you hear me saying something crazy, please know that it comes from a good place. because i should be good at death by now, but i'm not.

and i'm not sure that i ever will be.

who told you that lie?

 who told you that lie?

that you aren't good enough.

that you're not worthy.

that you'll never amount to anything.

who told you that your failures are final.

that your mistakes can't be overcome.

that your life is over.

who told you that no one could love you.

that you're worthless.

that you're beyond saving.

i don't know who told you those lies but they're wrong.

you are good enough.

you are worthy.

you have value.

the Bible is full of people who had the same lies told about them.

cheaters, murderers, adulterers, prostitutes, thieves.

names the world called them.

names the world determined they would always be.

names they had earned but names they didn't have to keep.

because God had the final say. and He said the world was wrong.

about them and about you.

because God isn't concerned with your past, He's concerned with your future.

He's not interested in where you've been, He's interested in where you're going.

He doesn't care who you were, He cares about who you can be.

cheaters, murderers, adulterers, prostitutes, thieves.

Moses was a murderer.
Abraham was a liar.
Jacob was a thief.
David was an adulterer.
Rahab was a prostitute.

lives the world believed would amount to nothing

lives God used to bring about His glory.

the world will be quick to remind you of what you've done wrong.

the world will be quick to point out your flaws.

but quit listening to what the world says.

God sent Jesus to overcome your sins.

His blood paid the price for your failures.

don't listen to the lies of the devil, learn the promises of God.

because who you used to be will never compare to who you can be with Him.

i miss my dad

i miss my dad.

though he's been gone for almost ten years, i still miss him.

though i haven't heard his voice in almost a decade, i still hear him. though i haven't seen him in forever, i still see him.

i see him in the older man shuffling up the aisle at church. bent over a bit, holding on to each pew for support. i see him, body sick with cancer, still going to church. still encouraging others. still holding on.

i hear him in my own voice, talking to my children. instilling his values and wisdom to the next generation. "don't forget your friends", i hear him saying, "don't forget your family". "tell the truth and the truth will set you free." 

advice i heard a hundred times. 

advice i still hear. 

advice i still believe to this day.

i find him in the sunday paper. the one with the big crossword puzzle. the one with the hard words and the intimidating clues. i see him, cigar in the corner of his mouth, pen in hand, enjoying his simple pleasure in life.

i wonder if that's normal. that no matter the passing of time, we can still hear. still see. still honestly love someone who has left this world. 

that something so simple can remind us. can catch us off guard. can take us back to a moment in time that makes us believe they are still here. still watching. still loving us through the absence.

i wonder if  i'm the only person who can't let go. if i'm the only person who doesn't want to move on. if i'm the only person who wishes they could go back, just for one day, and do it all again.

i'm sure i'm not. i'm sure there are others who want a second chance. who still have things left to say. who still want a little more time.

regrets, wishes, should have dones...all lined up in a corner, wondering why i let the time pass. wondering how i so easily forgot that life is short and time is precious and people will die.

wondering how i let the last years, the last days, the last moments slip so easily between my fingers.

i thought i had more time. i thought i had more moments. i thought i could make more memories.

but there were no more memories to be made and so i'm left with just the ones i have. 

but even they fade with time. even they sometimes pause at the remembering.

and that scares me. 

that the memories will become so old, so fuzzy, that one day i won't have them anymore. 

that the most important person in my life will be forgotten. 

that i will have forgotten my dad.

and maybe that's why i look for him. maybe that's why i see him. maybe that's why i hear him.

because my mind still remembers.

and my heart refuses to forget.

the most important influence i had in life, the most important example i had for living...

is gone...

and i still miss him.

enjoy today...it's the only one you've got

today is the only today you've got. it won't be back again.

today is the only (insert today's date here) you get. 

it only comes around once. you only get to live it right now.

tomorrow will be tomorrow. next week will be next week. 

today will only be today...once.

how you choose to live it is your choice. how you choose to spend your time is up to you.

no matter your circumstances. no matter the obstacles you face. no matter the mountains you need moved on your behalf...you still get to decide your attitude. 

you still get to decide how you'll react. how you'll adjust. 

you still get to decide how you'll live.

life is more about how we choose to see it then about how it really is.

we can see the thorn or we can see the rose. 

we can see the rain or we can see the rainbow. 

we can see the storm or we can see the shelter.

simple stuff really. simple choices. not always easy choices but simple still the same. 

two people see the same movie and feel different ways.

two people read the same book and have different opinions.

two people have the same setback and have different reactions.

it's all a matter of perspective.

it's all about how we choose to see it. 

it's all about how we decide to live.

your life won't  be anything unless you choose it to be.

today is the only today you've got. it won't be back again. 

enjoy it...and choose to live it well. 


-----
"For i have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:11-13

it doesn't matter what the world says about you

it doesn't matter what the world says about you.

it doesn't matter that people have something negative to say.

it doesn't matter that some remember your failings, your faults, your missteps.

because God has something else to say.

He says you are worth it.

He says you have value.

He says He loves you.

and if you don't believe it, look toward the Cross.

look towards His ultimate sacrifice. giving His very Son so that you might always know-without a doubt-the love He has for you.

the worth He sees in you.

the value He sees in your life.

but you do doubt it at times.

you do think you're not worthy.

you do wonder why a God so great would love a person so flawed.

God knew that.

He knew you'd have moments when you'd feel that way.

He knew satan would try to convince you that your failure was too much for the Lord.

and so God gave His Son.

to pay the price for your faults. to pay the price for your sins.

to pay the price for us all.

because we needed it. because we still need it. 

every moment. everyday.

God has a plan and a purpose for every life.

He has a plan and a purpose for you.

it doesn't matter what the world says about you. it doesn't matter that they only remember what you've done wrong. because God sees your possibility. He sees your potential. He knows your worth.

the world may say you're a failure.

but God says you are loved.

by Him.

and He's the one that should matter to you.

----------------------


"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him." John 3:16-17

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13

do you know who your friends are?

do you know who your friends are?

your real friends. not the people who just come along for the ride but the ones who stick with you when the car breaks down. and your mood is sour. and your hair looks bad.

the people who stand by you when everyone else has walked away. when the world calls you failure. when you think you can't go on.

the ones who see you across the room and can tell if you're happy. or sad. or scared.

and then walk across the room to be with you.

to laugh with you. to cry with you. 

to let you know you're not alone.

real friends are the ones who don't care what you're wearing. or if your joke was funny. or if you made a mistake.

they're not in it for you to impress them. or to keep score. or to make you look bad.

they don't have an agenda. or a hidden reason to like you.

they just like you. and they want the best for you. even when it's not the best for them.

real friendship isn't about convenience. or popularity. or comfort.

because- truth be told- sometimes it's not convenient or popular or comfortable at all.

real friendship...lasting friendship...is about love. and value. and sacrifice. 

it's a willingness to help that comes easy. a desire to want the best for another's life. a heart that automatically encourages, intercedes, supports.

true friends can be seen in the ugly moments. when you're not at your best. when your mask is taken off. when you've become who you said you'd never be.

true friends can be seen when the world has turned it's back. and given up on you. and considered you a disappointment.

the Bible says that two are better than one. that when one falls, the other can pick him up. (Ecclesiasties 4:9) 

thank God for that.

because we all fall. more often than we'd like. and we all need someone to pick us up.

and you can bet it will be a friend.

a true one...

today is the first day of the rest of your life

today is the first day of the rest of your life.

sounds corny, i know. and cliche. and something you've heard before.

but did you ever think about it?

did you ever get it?

that if you are alive and breathing at this very moment, then it IS the first day of the rest of your life?

the first day. the first moment. the first chance.

you get to start again.

right now.

everything that is in the past is in the past.

everything that is in the future is in the future.

but today...that's what's right in front of you.

this moment. this day. this opportunity.

to start again. to begin over. to be who you were born to be.

it might be corny and cliche and heard a hundred times before, but think about it.

really think about it.

today is the first day of the rest of YOUR life.

your life. not your friend's life. or your spouse's life. or your parent's life.

your life.

your decisions.

your moments.

your dreams.

it starts today.

it starts again.

it starts right now.

it's your day.

what do you plan to do with it?

why do i still want the prize in the cereal box?

a friend recently asked a question on facebook. he wanted to know if it's ok for a grown man to still eat cereal for breakfast. he assured his friends it wasn't because he was looking for the prize at the bottom of the box anymore. it made me laugh and while i thought about my answer i had to question if i still looked for the prize. if the colorful pictures on the outside of the box still grabbed my attention like they did when i was a kid.

and i have to admit, sometimes they still do.

and somehow the cereal reminded me about life. 

there's a part of me that is totally content with what i have. a part of me that never strays from what i've been given. but there's a small part of me too, that sometimes is attracted to the glamour and the glitz. a part of me that is drawn to the not so good for me because of the lure of the prize at the end.

i wonder where that comes from. a desire to want more. that the cereal (life) by itself isn't good enough. that the prize somehow makes it better.

bigger, better, shiny, new.

more, more, more, more.

they hold such an illusion for a lot of us. as if they hold the secret to life, the path to happiness. but the prize we covet is so often disappointing. it gives us a few moments of pleasure but leaves us in the end, just wanting another prize.

and while life is so much more than a box of cereal, i'm reminded by my friend's question that God is all around us. that His teachings, His lessons can be found in every area of our lives. that the smallest detail is not overlooked. that even the smallest things matter.

and more than anything today, it reminds me that God is in those details.

and He never disappoints.

and HE is my prize.