enjoy today...it's the only one you've got

today is the only today you've got. it won't be back again.

today is the only (insert today's date here) you get. 

it only comes around once. you only get to live it right now.

tomorrow will be tomorrow. next week will be next week. 

today will only be today...once.

how you choose to live it is your choice. how you choose to spend your time is up to you.

no matter your circumstances. no matter the obstacles you face. no matter the mountains you need moved on your behalf...you still get to decide your attitude. 

you still get to decide how you'll react. how you'll adjust. 

you still get to decide how you'll live.

life is more about how we choose to see it then about how it really is.

we can see the thorn or we can see the rose. 

we can see the rain or we can see the rainbow. 

we can see the storm or we can see the shelter.

simple stuff really. simple choices. not always easy choices but simple still the same. 

two people see the same movie and feel different ways.

two people read the same book and have different opinions.

two people have the same setback and have different reactions.

it's all a matter of perspective.

it's all about how we choose to see it. 

it's all about how we decide to live.

your life won't  be anything unless you choose it to be.

today is the only today you've got. it won't be back again. 

enjoy it...and choose to live it well. 


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"For i have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:11-13

it doesn't matter what the world says about you

it doesn't matter what the world says about you.

it doesn't matter that people have something negative to say.

it doesn't matter that some remember your failings, your faults, your missteps.

because God has something else to say.

He says you are worth it.

He says you have value.

He says He loves you.

and if you don't believe it, look toward the Cross.

look towards His ultimate sacrifice. giving His very Son so that you might always know-without a doubt-the love He has for you.

the worth He sees in you.

the value He sees in your life.

but you do doubt it at times.

you do think you're not worthy.

you do wonder why a God so great would love a person so flawed.

God knew that.

He knew you'd have moments when you'd feel that way.

He knew satan would try to convince you that your failure was too much for the Lord.

and so God gave His Son.

to pay the price for your faults. to pay the price for your sins.

to pay the price for us all.

because we needed it. because we still need it. 

every moment. everyday.

God has a plan and a purpose for every life.

He has a plan and a purpose for you.

it doesn't matter what the world says about you. it doesn't matter that they only remember what you've done wrong. because God sees your possibility. He sees your potential. He knows your worth.

the world may say you're a failure.

but God says you are loved.

by Him.

and He's the one that should matter to you.

----------------------


"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him." John 3:16-17

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13

do you know who your friends are?

do you know who your friends are?

your real friends. not the people who just come along for the ride but the ones who stick with you when the car breaks down. and your mood is sour. and your hair looks bad.

the people who stand by you when everyone else has walked away. when the world calls you failure. when you think you can't go on.

the ones who see you across the room and can tell if you're happy. or sad. or scared.

and then walk across the room to be with you.

to laugh with you. to cry with you. 

to let you know you're not alone.

real friends are the ones who don't care what you're wearing. or if your joke was funny. or if you made a mistake.

they're not in it for you to impress them. or to keep score. or to make you look bad.

they don't have an agenda. or a hidden reason to like you.

they just like you. and they want the best for you. even when it's not the best for them.

real friendship isn't about convenience. or popularity. or comfort.

because- truth be told- sometimes it's not convenient or popular or comfortable at all.

real friendship...lasting friendship...is about love. and value. and sacrifice. 

it's a willingness to help that comes easy. a desire to want the best for another's life. a heart that automatically encourages, intercedes, supports.

true friends can be seen in the ugly moments. when you're not at your best. when your mask is taken off. when you've become who you said you'd never be.

true friends can be seen when the world has turned it's back. and given up on you. and considered you a disappointment.

the Bible says that two are better than one. that when one falls, the other can pick him up. (Ecclesiasties 4:9) 

thank God for that.

because we all fall. more often than we'd like. and we all need someone to pick us up.

and you can bet it will be a friend.

a true one...

today is the first day of the rest of your life

today is the first day of the rest of your life.

sounds corny, i know. and cliche. and something you've heard before.

but did you ever think about it?

did you ever get it?

that if you are alive and breathing at this very moment, then it IS the first day of the rest of your life?

the first day. the first moment. the first chance.

you get to start again.

right now.

everything that is in the past is in the past.

everything that is in the future is in the future.

but today...that's what's right in front of you.

this moment. this day. this opportunity.

to start again. to begin over. to be who you were born to be.

it might be corny and cliche and heard a hundred times before, but think about it.

really think about it.

today is the first day of the rest of YOUR life.

your life. not your friend's life. or your spouse's life. or your parent's life.

your life.

your decisions.

your moments.

your dreams.

it starts today.

it starts again.

it starts right now.

it's your day.

what do you plan to do with it?

why do i still want the prize in the cereal box?

a friend recently asked a question on facebook. he wanted to know if it's ok for a grown man to still eat cereal for breakfast. he assured his friends it wasn't because he was looking for the prize at the bottom of the box anymore. it made me laugh and while i thought about my answer i had to question if i still looked for the prize. if the colorful pictures on the outside of the box still grabbed my attention like they did when i was a kid.

and i have to admit, sometimes they still do.

and somehow the cereal reminded me about life. 

there's a part of me that is totally content with what i have. a part of me that never strays from what i've been given. but there's a small part of me too, that sometimes is attracted to the glamour and the glitz. a part of me that is drawn to the not so good for me because of the lure of the prize at the end.

i wonder where that comes from. a desire to want more. that the cereal (life) by itself isn't good enough. that the prize somehow makes it better.

bigger, better, shiny, new.

more, more, more, more.

they hold such an illusion for a lot of us. as if they hold the secret to life, the path to happiness. but the prize we covet is so often disappointing. it gives us a few moments of pleasure but leaves us in the end, just wanting another prize.

and while life is so much more than a box of cereal, i'm reminded by my friend's question that God is all around us. that His teachings, His lessons can be found in every area of our lives. that the smallest detail is not overlooked. that even the smallest things matter.

and more than anything today, it reminds me that God is in those details.

and He never disappoints.

and HE is my prize.

wishing our lives away

sometimes i think i wish my life away.

i wish i was a better mother.

i wish i was a better wife.

i wish i was a better friend.

i wish i was better at playing guitar, at singing beyond the shower, at sticking to an exercise plan.

i wish i was a better writer, a more patient listener, a talented athlete.

i wish my hair was straighter, my nose was smaller, my thighs were thinner.

i wish i didn't have any debt, any regrets or this crazy sweet tooth that won't go away.

crazy wishes. wishful wishes. mostly not attainable wishes. but wishes all the same.

i wish it was next week. i wish it was still the weekend. i wish it was friday.

i wish the summer would get here faster. i wish it was spring break. i wish it was time for vacation.

wishing, wishing, wishing, wishing and as soon as the wish is here, i'm off wishing for something else.

i know i'm not the only one.

people, like me, who without thinking, wish their lives away.

it's so easy to do really.

to think that life would be better if only we were _______ or had _______.

everyone fills in the blanks differently but most everyone has blanks they want to fill.

we wish today was tomorrow or yesterday or next week.

we wish we had a better job, or a better house or a better car.

we wish for more and more and more and better and better and better.

we wish we hadn't said that or done that. or we wish we had said that or done that. our minds are on overdrive second guessing, replaying, redoing our lives.

and in the midst of it all waits God. wondering, hoping, searching for someone who will wish for nothing more than to be with Him. who just wants to thank Him instead of asking for more. who wants to use the very life that doesn't seem good enough, to honor Him.

i wish i was that person.

don't you?

it's not about me

i was reminded today that it's not about me. that my gifts, my talents, my abilities were not given to me by God to prove to the world how good i am. or how much people like me. or how much i fit in

because i don't fit in. not really. and truth be told, i don't want to.

i don't want to be like everyone else. i don't want to be the image of the person next to me. i want to stand out. to make a difference. to make my life count.

when people see me, i don't want them to think i've done anything good on my own. i don't want them to give me credit for what they think i've accomplished in life. i don't want them to see me and not see Him.

His sacrifice. His promises. His love.

that's what changed me. that's what motivates me.

that's who He is.

and that's who i strive to be.

more like Him.

i don't want to die with any doubt that God was the most important thing in my life. i don't want people to see me and not see Him. i don't want them to care more about me at all.

because it's not about me anyway.

it's about Him.

you're so stupid!

i hate the word "stupid". hate it. can't stand for anyone to say it. 

i hate it when i hear it on television. i hate it when i hear it in movies. i hate it when i hear it in life.

stupid is a dangerous word. a sneaky word. a word that worms its way into your life and changes it.

changes you.

because the words we hear shape us. they make us into who we believe we are. they bring us life or they bring us death. encouraging words bring hope. criticizing words do not.

everything we say and everything we do either builds someone up or tears someone down. there is no in between.

and for me-stupid-has no in between. it always tears someone down.

it's a strange phenomenon that people remember the bad things people say about them more than they remember the good.

fat.

ugly.

stupid.

lazy.

worthless.

loser.

words that always cut. words that always damage. words that always shatter.

but from the time we're little we're led to believe that words can't hurt us.

"sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

a nursery rhyme. an innocent song learned before we understood its meaning. an anthem of defense used while trying to survive the playground. 

but it's a lie.

because as we grow up we realize that words can hurt. words can damage. words can destroy.

when i was a teenager someone told me i was stupid.

and it stuck.

i never forgot it. i never forgot how it made me feel. i never forgot that i thought that's how others felt about me. and i never forgot how much it hurt.

it's crazy how one word, one comment can get played over and over again in our minds until we convince ourselves that it's true.

it took me years to get past that statement. to get to a point where i knew i wasn't stupid. to gain the confidence back that i lost in that one careless remark.

but to this day i still cringe when i hear the word. i can't stand for someone to say it-even in joking.

because to me it's not a joke.

a word like stupid sticks in someones head. a word like stupid tells someone that they're not good enough. a word like stupid makes people feel like they don't fit in.

and no one should feel like they're not good enough.

or don't fit in.

ever.

"the power of life and death is in the tongue." Proverbs 18:21

God knew we would need this reminder.

because our words are more powerful than we think and remembered more than we realize.

when we use our words they should always be words of life. and though it may seem like something so small...there's really no room for stupid in this world.

i don't want God to be a leftover in my life

so many of us have good intentions, especially when it comes to saving our leftovers. after a meal we pack up the extra food in containers and safely store it away in our refrigerator believing we will eat it before it goes bad.

some of us do it out of habit-we saw our parents doing it when we were growing up. some of us do it out of guilt-there are so many starving people in the world. some of us do it out of thrift-we hate to see good money go down the drain.

but most of us-if not all of us at times-let those leftovers spoil.

they sit and sit and sit, slowly getting pushed further and further to the back of the shelf, as we search around for different foods and more exciting choices.

that's not to say we don't take a bite here and there.

the mashed potatoes might get eaten up. the chicken might get finished. even the apple pie might have a chance. (let's be honest, the apple pie always has a chance!) but the lima beans, the peas, the leftover spinach?

not so much.

and as the days turn into weeks, if truth were told, our good intentions get ignored, get forgotten and get old...more often than they get remembered.

as i was throwing out my forgotten leftovers today it made me wonder if that isn't the same way some of us treat God.

if we go to Him out of habit.

if we say we put our trust in Him out of guilt.

if we slowly push Him further and further to the back of our lives sometimes forgetting that He's even there.

and i realized that God wants more than our leftovers...God wants to be the main course.

remember Thanksgiving? when the smell of turkey fills the air? when it comes out of the oven and someone starts carving it but you just can't wait, you have to sneak a piece or two because it smells so good? and after that first bite that's all you can think about. how good that turkey is. how much you can't wait to eat more.

suddenly for a few moments, the tv isn't as appealing as it once was. the magazine doesn't hold as much as excitement as it once did. and the internet...well, it will just have to wait. after all, this is turkey we're talking about!

God wants that excitement from us. He wants the desire that makes us not able to think about anything else. He wants us to be so excited about spending time with Him that we put everything else to the side. He wants us to crave spending time with Him just like we crave our deepest desire. He wants to be more than something we just push to the back of our lives ignored and forgotten.

i don't want God to be a leftover in my life. i dont' want to push Him to the side always looking for something different and exciting. i don't want Him -and the world- to think that something else can take His place.

because nothing, not even apple pie, can even come close.

don't count God out

his dream was to make the college baseball team. he felt like God had led him to this particular school. but he was a little smaller than the others. and the coach usually picked bigger boys.

sometimes coaches (and this world) define bigger as better. 

bigger as stronger, faster, more talent.

but coaches are human and the world rarely gets things right.

the boy was strong and fast and talented but it wasn't enough. he didn't make the team.

and so it seemed the boy was overlooked.

bypassed.

rejected.

it seemed as if he was through. it seemed as if the world had taken a look and counted him out.

but the boy breathed baseball. his heart beat for the love of the game. and more than baseball the boy  breathed God. and the God that he lived for wasn't phased at all by what it seemed in this world.

so his dream didn't die with the rejection.

his hope didn't die in the disappointment.

he worked harder. showed up to practices anyway.  the coach let him work out with the team. he caught balls in the bullpen. he helped take care of the field. if there was a need, he filled it.

he didn't get to play, but he got to be there.

and though it wasn't everything, it was something. and he was willing to take the something he could get.

towards the end of the season the coach couldn't ignore the boy's heart. he put him on the roster. gave him a uniform. let him go in for part of the game.

what should have never happened...happened...because the boy never gave up. he never let the world define who he was. he never stopped believing that God had a purpose for him being there. though he couldn't see it, he could feel it. and so he stayed.

the second season was more of the same. doing whatever it took. filling in where needed. getting to play a little. getting to sit on the bench a lot. and though his heart still beat for the love of the game, it was harder now. the doubts crept in. the wondering if he really was where he was supposed to be. though his teammates loved him, he struggled to feel like he was one of them. 

somehow he felt different. 

separated. 

unusual. 

but he was never meant to be one of them. he was never meant to feel like he fit in. 

he was born to be different. 

he was born to be unusual. 

he was born to be set apart from the crowd.

those who met him knew that. those who got to be a part of his life saw it.  felt it. lived it through him.

though baseball was his dream, God was his life. and though he struggled, he kept his heart focused on Him. 

and through that focus others saw Christ. others saw what it meant to live for Him. 

to believe in Him. 

to trust in Him.

he went on to a bigger college. played every game. broke school records. made amazing plays. despite being bypassed, rejected and overlooked, his dream of playing baseball still came true. 

because God had a bigger message. God had a bigger plan.

though he once had been counted out, the boy was exactly where he was supposed to be each step of the way. 

because it was never about the game. 

it was never about the talent. 

it was never about who was bigger or stronger or faster.

it was always about the truth. 

and the truth is the boy gave glory and honor to God even when his dreams weren't coming true.

despite what the world said, despite how it looked, the boy let his heart lead the way. 

and in doing so, he led others to believe in a God of the impossible. 

a God that could get them past rejection. 

a God that could overcome disappointment.

though the boy's heart will always beat for the love of baseball, his true destiny will always be to lead others to the love of Christ. 

because he knows...he's always known...that it's better than any game he'll ever play.

i've been in a funk

i've been in a funk now for the last couple of weeks and i've had a hard time shaking it. the words that usually flow easily aren't coming. the encouragement i usually can't wait to share seems lost.

this happens to me every now and then.

a funk, a slump, a hump to get over. and i hate it.

because it's not me. it's not who i am. but i let it become me anyway. i allow myself to grow tired of the fight.

i allow disappointment and sadness to have more say than it should. i allow a discouraging situation to take over my mood. the old familiar wall goes up. the stubborn guard stands ready at my heart. i retreat inside myself and promise that i'll never put myself in that position again.

the girl with the easy answers. the girl with the strong faith. the girl with the constant smile. everything pushed aside by months of disbelief. everything shut down from the realization that i wasn't good enough. again.

it's hard when what you've built up in your mind comes colliding with the reality of life. it stinks when satan takes that little crack in the door and blows it wide open exposing the weaknesses, mistakes and failures of everyone in the room.

it hurts when the one left most exposed is you.

so i hole up. i close down. i shut off. and in doing so i become a contradiction. a hypocrite. a fake. because i always say "if you talk the talk, you should walk the walk."

but talking and walking are sometimes worlds apart. and when you feel hurt, abandoned and betrayed, the walk is almost impossible.

almost. nearly. bordering on impossible. but not quite. because impossible thrives on oneness. impossible breeds on trying to go it alone. impossible does its best work when we convince ourselves there's no way out.

but i serve a God of the impossible. i serve a God who knows betrayal and abandonment and pain. and when the world says "impossible", God says, "watch this."

i started this post still stuck in the shadows of the funk. i was ready to complain. i was looking for sympathy.  i wanted someone to make it right. but i was trying to do it alone. i was letting God stand at the door, but i wasn't asking Him to come inside. 

so in the middle of my thoughts i forced myself to regroup. i challenged myself to let it go. i could stay in the mess or i could hand it over to Him. it was my decision. and i decided enough was enough.

i have a question i ask in hard situations. i ask myself if any of it would matter if the person who offended died tomorrow. and i've always, ALWAYS, said it wouldn't matter at all. because i don't remember bad stuff when people die. i only remember how much they meant to me while they were alive.

and if it won't matter to me in death, why in the world would i hold onto it in life?

i've been in a funk but it's gone now. because i finally decided to let it go. but more importantly, and what i sometimes forget, is i decided to give it to God. because a funk is not something ANYONE can do on their own.

i wonder if God hates mondays too

it's monday again. i can hear the groans already. before the day even starts people are loathing it, cursing it, wishing it would go away. i think it's crazy of course. to dislike 1/7th of your life. to have developed such a habit of hating a day, that you cringe when someone even mentions the name.

i wonder if God hates mondays too. if He gets so tired of hearing the complaining, whining and frustration that He dreads the day just like everyone else.

i wonder if on sunday night He starts to frown. if He starts moping around. if He wastes the moments in front of Him because He's so focused on what's coming tomorrow.

i wonder if He grumbles and gripes to anyone who will listen. i wonder if He rolls His eyes, stomps his feet, and makes His annoyance for the day obvious to everyone around Him.

i know He doesn't, but i wonder if He wants to sometimes. i wonder if He wishes that for once, just once, no one would complain about a day that hasn't even begun and instead is just excited to find out about the plans He has for them.

i wonder if He searches the whole earth for someone, anyone, who is just be glad to be alive. someone who will be happy that the sun came out. someone who will thank Him for another opportunity to make things right, another chance to touch a life, another possibility to start again.

i wonder if He gets tired of looking. if He wonders if it's worth it anymore. if He wishes He could start over.

i don't want God to search and not find someone thankful for mondays. i don't want God to grow tired of looking for someone who is glad to be alive. if He can't find it anywhere else, i want Him to find it in me.

i want to be someone He can count on to be happy regardless of what day it is. 

at the end of my life, if God said, "i'll give you one more day",and it was a monday, i'd take it...in a heartbeat. 

and i bet most everyone else would do the same.

let's celebrate mondays...today and everyday...happy monday!!!

when people are jerks

when people are jerks i'd like to tell them to take a flying leap.
off the nearest bridge.
into deep water.
that's freezing cold.
and filled with sharks.

when people are jerks i'd like to make them peel a hundred onions.
without taking a break.
or stopping to wipe their nose.
and then push them into a vat of tunafish.
that smells like it rotted last year.

when people are jerks i'd like to tell them to hold their breath.
until they're blue in the face.
and their neck muscles bulge out.
so they look uglier than they're already acting.

when people are jerks i'd like to kick them in the butt.
hard enough for them to fly across the room.
and crash into the wall.
and spill their large and sticky drink down the front of their shirts.

when people are jerks i'd like the world to stop.
and a hall monitor to whistle.
and write them a detention slip.
that puts them in time out.
for like a million years.

when people are jerks i wish the boogie man.
and bed bugs.
and Batman.
would keep them up at night.
boogie-ing them.
and making them itch.
and showing them who's boss.

when people are jerks i wish they'd trip over their feet.

and fall on their face.
and then try to get up.
only to have it happen over and over and over again.
for the entire rest of the month.

when people are jerks i wish they'd have someone treat them
exactly like they treat other people.
only a hundred times worse.
so they see how totally mean.
and nasty.
and terribly rude they really are.

but most of all.
when people are jerks.
i wish.
(i just really wish).
that they would just be nice.

----------------------------------

i just wrote this out of the blue when someone was rude to me today. it made me laugh and it made me feel better. my seven year old loves it. and loves me. and my thirteen year old just read it and told me he loves me too. and at the end of the day, that's all that matters. because love and laughter and family overcomes everything in life. even jerks.

happy tuesday!!!

colleen :)

p.s. i don't really wish these things on anyone. except the timeout one. for like a million years of course...

i think my son hates me

i saw your face when you walked away and it broke my heart.

i know you're disappointed. i know you're upset. i know you think it's not right. but it has to be this way.

in your mind, we're overreacting. you probably think we've forgotten what it's like to be your age. that we don't trust you. that nothing could go wrong. 

but this is a crazy world. one in which unimaginable things happen. one in which "it could never happen to me" just happened in our own family.

and so we overprotect. we keep you close. we put limits on your freedom. and now that you're thirteen you hate that.

because you think your friends can do what they want. and you think that everyone else is doing it. and you think that our rules are stupid, and crazy and not fair. 

i remember being like you when i was growing up. thinking there were too many restrictions. wondering why i had a father so unlike all the others. wondering why these parenting rules applied only in our house and rarely in the lives of anyone else i knew.

my dad would answer the phone when our friends would call us after 9pm (yes, really...9pm) and ask if they knew what time it was. when they answered yes, he would tell them, "good, then you know it's too late to be calling our house!" and he would hang up on my them. and i didn't get to call them back. until the next day. and it embarrassed me.

and when i would have someone come over for a sleepover my dad insisted on meeting the parents. he would rush out to the cars before they drove away and introduce himself. he didn't care that the other parent was fine without knowing who he was but he wasn't fine with it. and so out he would go. and embarrass me. again.

when he dropped me off for school each morning he would give me a kiss. just like when i was five and in kindergarten. it didn't phase him that now i was a teenager and too old for that. it didn't phase him that people might see me kissing my dad and make fun of me. it didn't even phase him that he would say "i love you" and expect me to say it back. nothing phased him. but it phased me. and more importantly, it embarrassed me.

on my first date  i had to provide make, color, and LICENSE PLATE NUMBER of the vehicle i was going in. "are you kidding," i asked my dad, "who does that?"  my dad did that. and so off i went. outside. before my date. to write down the information. i was sure he'd never ask me on a second date and my life would be over. and i thought i would die. because of everything he did, i think that embarrassed me the most.

growing up i thought my dad was way too strict. that he was way too old-fashioned. that he had no clue. but i was wrong. though i hated it then, i'm glad that my dad was the way he was. 

all those friends he hung up on are still my friends to this day. all those friends who slept over my house, loved my father and loved spending time there. my senior year, a friend who saw my dad drop me off for school everyday, told me she was jealous because she wished she had such a good relationship with her dad. 

and that first date, when i thought i would die of embarrassment? i married him. and he became your father.

i never knew that being a parent would be so hard. that i would have to make choices that you didn't like or agree with because i knew they were the right choices to make. and though you won't know for YEARS that everything i did was because i love you and want the best for your life, i hope for now you won't think i embarrass you too much.

because i'm not doing it on purpose. 

i promise.

an adopted baby's talk with God

years ago, my friends wanted a baby more than anything. and when they couldn't have one on their own they looked at adoption. 

i admired them because it wasn't easy. 

there were phone calls, forms, house studies, and questions. and just when they thought they met all the requirements, there were more forms and more questions and more paperwork to complete. 

the list was endless. the questions unreal. 

i remember thinking (as i wrote a letter of recommendation for them), how easy it was for some to have children and how incredibly hard it was for others. 

it didn't seem fair. 

or nice. 

or acceptable. 

and though more than twelve years have passed since that time, i've never forgotten the determination they had despite the struggles. no matter what was required of them, they refused to give up. they did whatever needed to be done. they did whatever was asked of them. 

because their hearts wouldn't let them do otherwise.

God gave me the words to a prayer of sorts to write for their son zachary when he came home from the hospital. his mom, my friend debra, wrote to me last week and asked me to share it now on my blog because it still means so much to her.

to be honest, the prayer was a part i had forgotten long ago. 

i think it's great how God works like that. taking something so simple - like a gift of words - and using it to offer help, to offer healing, and to offer hope- even when we don't know it's happening. 


so i share zachary's prayer today with all those parents who have adopted, and especially for all who are still trying to get there. i pray that you find peace in the words and the realization that God has not forgotten you. i admire your courage. i admire your determination. i admire your refusal to give up even when it seems like everything is stacked against you. 

God sees you. He hears your cries. He knows your heart. and He has a plan. 

-----------------------------

Zachary 's Prayer

"before i was born on earth, i had a talk with God.  

He told me that i would be a special baby, 
not for who i was, but for who i would be.  

He said, i was a 'custom order' of sorts, 
for i would be the answer to a parents prayer.  

He talked of two people who wanted a baby more than anything. 

and because they knew where babies truly came from, 
they made their request with Him.  

God heard their wish, looked closely at their hearts and made His decision.
they would have a child.

He worked on me for months, carefully examining each detail.  

i would be a unique individual, unlike any other.  

He took great care in His task, every move measured, every action planned.  

but like all children, there was to be a part of me that He would not complete. 

one part that He would leave untouched.  

God never finished my heart.  

He said that was your job.  

the most important part of my life, 

the part where i learn about love, compassion and mercy, 
He left up to you.  

His job was big.

yours is bigger.  

He told me before i left not to worry, 
because He has faith in you.  

and you know, i'm not worried. 

at all.

because He's already seen your hearts.

He already knew your love.

and it's truly because of them that I'm here today."

----------------------------

i believe God has ordained this very moment in time for you to gain strength in the journey. though the wait seems long, He knows it will be so very worth it when you get there. 

don't lose hope. don't lose faith. don't give up. 

and no matter the world tells you, remember this...the world is not our source...God is.

enjoy this monday friends, because this very day won't ever be back again...

poetry friday: learning to hate

i've never understood racism. i've never understood how two people don't like each other based on outward appearance. growing up in south florida i was surrounded by people who looked different than me. but i was lucky. the person who raised me never saw the difference. my father didn't see color. he didn't see nationality. he didn't see social standing. he just saw people. plain and simple. black and white. for him there were no gray areas. people were people. period. end of sentence. because he never treated anyone different, my sister and i never grew up thinking there was a separation between any of us. because he never thought twice about helping everyone, my sister and i never grew up thinking anyone was better than anyone else. we were the lucky ones. because our father saw the value in everyone and he instilled that way of living and thinking into our lives and into our hearts.

i wrote this poem shortly after high school because i realized early that everyone wasn't taught to believe like we did. not everyone was taught that skin color and nationality and social standing didn't matter. parents actually-with their words and actions-taught their children to hate. and i hated it. i hated-and still hate-everything about it.

though the words are decades old, the message still rings true to me. i hope you feel the same.

------------------------------

same window, different view

i've never felt so lonely, so frightened and so sad,

until the day i opened up the paper that i had.

the front page read, "it's useless, we're not trying anymore",

the second said, "forget it, we will never win the war".

i didn't understand at first, until i read each line,

and then i knew, without a doubt, that we were out of time.

the world as we knew it, would never be the same,

people and their troubles, found someone else to blame.

no one says, "i'm sorry" for their pride gets in the way,

no one stops to realize the price that will be paid.

for we ourselves won't suffer when the fighting has begun,

it's our children who will live with all the things that we have done.

the hate that runs right through us, will never find an end,

when we'd rather have an enemy, than try to make a friend.

two people who may look alike, are not the same inside,

it's a fact that everyone should know, sometimes we just don't try.

the world would be a better place, if everybody knew,

i'm not like you, you're not like me, same window...different view.

-------------------------

i pray that i always remember not to look at someone's appearance, but to stay focused on their heart...

my mom died today

      part of her never wonders

        just as part of her never forgets

        the last image in a six year old's mind

        of a mother she never got to know

        25 years later

        as her own life approaches the last 

        of her mother's days

        she remembers the little things

        and mentally prepares to die.

        after all...one doesn't outlive their mother do they?

   

        (taken from my journal - written a few years before i turned 37)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

may 2, 1975 at 2:30 in the morning, my mom took her last breath. thirty-six years ago today, at the age of 37, in a one bedroom apartment in lantana, florida, patricia ann foley laquay died in her sleep. i was six years old. my sister was seven.

i didn't understand at the time what death was of course. to me death meant someone would be gone for awhile but they'd be back. at six years old i didn't understand never. i didn't know that i'd never see her again. i didn't know death was final.

i didn't know my life was forever altered. that i would miss her. that i would grow up wondering about her. that i would live with questions about her that would never be answered.  

i didn't know that her dying at 37 would mean that i'd struggle one day to want children of my own. that i wouldn't be able to promise anyone "i'll always be here for you", when i knew first hand it was a promise you can't always keep.

i didn't know that i would hate when my friend's fought with their moms. that i would think they were crazy to take for granted the luxury of having a mother. that i would shake my head and think it wasn't fair that they had a mom and i didn't.

 

i didn't know that i wouldn't have anyone to show me about the girl things in life. that i would have to tell my dad the first time i got my period. that i would never be able to sign my mom up to be class mom or help with girl scouts.

i didn't know that i would fear turning 37 myself. that i would wonder if i was going to die too. that i would have a tremendous amount of guilt for outliving my mother.

the day my mom died i didn't know then that i'd spend my whole life without a mother. that i'd never look at the world the same as everyone else. that i'd spend years pretending it didn't matter.

at six years old there were a lot of things i didn't know. there were a lot of things i wasn't ready for. but somehow, amidst the fear, and the guilt, and the struggling,  i still grew up. i still lived past 37. i still survived.

though i never really knew my mom, she was one of the greatest teacher's i've ever had. her death at such a young age taught me -at such a young age- that life is fragile,  and short, and temporary. it taught me to not take people for granted. to say what you feel. to not be embarrassed to hug or to cry or to love. 

her death taught me that life is short and that people are important. her death taught me that we all have inside of us more strength than we think. her death taught me that God is real.

thirty six years ago today my mom died and my life was forever changed. i'll always miss her. i'll always wish i had a chance to know her. i'll always wish she hadn't died. but i'll never regret who i became because of her. 

there's a part of my mom that lives on inside of me. a part of her that still teaches me about life. a part of her, that though i never knew it and though i never knew her, was really a part of that six year old girl all along.

poetry friday: ~~Jesus saves~~

i've decided that today would be a great day to share a poem i wrote more than 20 years ago. it seems the message is as important today as it was back then.

i've always loved writing poems. from the time i was a young girl, the sound of words-especially rhyming words, has been music to my ears. i consider it a gift, of course, to be able to write things that touch people. to be able to write things that mean something to someone. i never think it's me. i never assume that i've created this talent on my own. i know, i've always known, that my writing is an incredible gift from God. and knowing that makes it a huge responsibility. one that i don't take lightly. one that i don't want to waste. i pray that in everything i write that i always use my gift in a way that gives glory to Him.

the poem is called "Jesus saves" because He did. and He does. He saved me from this world. He saved me from myself. He saved me when no one else could. and if you need saving, He's willing to save you too.

so here it is, my 20 year old poem. i hope you like it.

Jesus saves

"you're stupid," he mocked through a heart of stone.

"i know," my mind replied.

"you're wrong!", he yelled at me again,

i guess i just don't try.

"you're fat. you're ugly. you've failed again",

these thoughts won't go away.

the dark sets in, my heart is crushed,

i can't live another day.

"but i love you," a voice calls from above,

"who me?", i asked the man.

"yes you," He said, "without a doubt,

you see, I understand.

just how it feels to think this world

doesn't have a place for you.

and how it feels when others fault

most everything you do.

I've been there...I know your pain,

but I can make it turn around,

into a love you've never known,

it's just waiting to be found."

"but i'm not good enough," i said through tears,

and i'm a sinner, through and through.

"I know," He said, and stretched out His arms,

but my heart has room for you."

if you have a poem you'd like me to share on my blog, send it to me at colleen-1969@hotmail.com. i'd love to hear from you!!!

1440 minutes a day

1440. that's how many minutes are in each day. that's how many there were yesterday. and the day before. and the day before that. 

1440.

that's over a thousand opportunities to make a difference. over a thousand chances to make someone smile. over a thousand moments to touch someones life.

seems overwhelming really. and unrealistic, of course. to think that we would spend all of our time today on other people. to think that we would look for ways to help others without first helping ourselves.  

after all we've got a lot to do in one day. and by the time we get done doing everything we need to do for us, there's usually nothing left for anyone else. and even worse, there's usually nothing left for God.

oh, we could throw in a couple of prayers here and there. maybe a quick thank you. a hurried hello. but there's just not enough time in the day. we reason with ourselves that He understands. He knows our heart. He knows our intentions. He knows if we had an extra minute we'd be spending it with Him.

but would we?

1440 minutes and we barely have a moment to spare?

we cram so much stuff into one day that it becomes habit to push Him to the bottom of our list. and our daily habit eventually becomes a daily way of life. before we know it, we start to feel far away from Him. we can't feel His presence. we strain to hear His voice. and when we can't hear His voice, we don't know what direction He needs us to go. 

there are things He needs us to do but we can't hear Him above the chaos we've created around us. we exhaust ourselves to the point that we have no energy to do anymore or anything for anyone or anybody. the world becomes all about us. 

and when it's all about us we miss those thousand opportunities to make a difference. to make someone smile. to touch someone's life. 

imagine at the start of each day, someone knocks on our door and hands us a gift. inside it are the 1440 minutes of the day at hand. we can do anything we want with them. from experience we know that these minutes will disappear quickly. and there's not a promise attached that we'll get to use all of them. 

we have to act fast. we have to remain focused. we have to take those minutes and spend them the best way possible. we have to remember that these exact minutes, these exact moments will never pass our way again. 

knock knock. 

God has just given us 1440 moments of a lifetime.

how will you spend yours today?

i want to live as if Jesus' death means something to me

i want to live my life as if Jesus dying on the Cross means something to me. i don't want it to be obvious only at Church. or only on Easter. or just at Christmas. i want it to be an everyday love affair. i want to wake up thanking Him, go to bed thanking Him, and spend every moment in between trying to bring Him glory.

i want more than a casual relationship, i want Him to be my best friend. i want Him to know my voice. i want to know His. i want to be like David-someone "after God's own heart."

i want to remember His sacrifice. remember His suffering. remember His willingness to take the place for my sins. 

i want to remember how He was betrayed. how He was ridiculed. how He was mocked. and realize that He did it for me, so that i wouldn't have to pay the price. because i could never pay it. He knew that. and He did what He had to do-what only He could do-so that i might have eternal life.

i don't want that realization to get lost on me. i don't want to take it for granted. i don't want to live my life arrogantly and selfishly, as if i can do anything i want and get away with it.

but i often get sidetracked. i often have setbacks. no matter how much i want to be with Him, i find other things that take up my time. other things that become my priority. no matter how much i want to live for Him, i still find other things i want to live for. other things that become my focus.

i am surrounded by temptations. i am surrounded by the desires of this world. so often i take two steps forward and then jump three steps back. my mind wanders. my thoughts drift. my words contradict.

and in my actions i become the betrayer. the one who ridicules. the one who mocks. suddenly it is me who nailed Jesus to the Cross. who couldn't stay awake in the garden. who sells Him so easily for 30 pieces of silver. 

i don't want to get lost. i don't want to take Him for granted. i don't want to be arrogant and selfish. but i do. and i have. and i am.

and yet despite it all...despite myself...the fact remains...Jesus died for me. He took the suffering, He took the abuse, He took the shame...because He loved me. even before this world ever knew me, He knew me.  and He loved me, and  He loves me, with an everlasting love.

i don't want to live my life as if Jesus dying on the Cross means nothing to me. i don't want to live as if i'm not aware of the sacrifice. that i'm not aware of the suffering. i want my actions to live up to my heart. i want to live my life in a way that boldly declares that His death up on that Cross means everything to me.

because it should. and it has. and it does.