standing in the gap for matthew

i don't write a lot anymore. i don't have time.

at least that's the excuse i make. and that's what i keep telling myself.

but i do have time...i just fill it with other things.

someone once told me, "everyone makes time for what they want to make time for." and that's one of the truest statements i have ever heard.

we all make time for what we want to make time for.

and hopefully the important things don't slip by.

the important moments aren't missed.

the important people aren't forgotten.

and sometimes, when we're faced with just how fragile life is, we stop to think about that. and we remember what we should be making time for.

we remember who we should be making time for.

for a lot of us in my small town, that time is spent on Matthew Butler. we wake up thinking about him. we spend our days thinking about him. and we go to sleep thinking about him.

because he's sick. really sick.

and he needs a miracle.

but thankfully we serve a miracle working God.

and we're fully expecting that miracle for him.

and so we pray. non-stop. continuously. all the time.

we pray with our eyes open and our eyes shut. we pray when we're sitting down and when we're standing up. we pray long fervent prayers and quick whispered ones.

we pray through tears, down on our knees, asking Him to hear us. and we pray in thanksgiving, knowing that He already has. 

we don't know what else to do, so we do what we know.

we pray.

all the time.

because we are determined to stand in the gap for Matthew.

because we are determined to lower him down through the roof and bring him to Jesus.

because we are determined to flood the very streets of Heaven with our love for him.

and because we are determined to pound on the doors of Hell to remind "satan, you take your hands off Matthew Butler in the Name of Jesus, you CANNOT have his life!!

"everyone makes time for what they want to make time for."

so very true.

Matthew, this time...our time...all of our time...is for you.

praying, believing, standing on the promise that Jesus bore your sickness on the Cross.

keep the faith. keep the fight. keep holding on.

and we'll keep praying.

always.

----------------------------------------------------



Luke Chapter 5
¹⁸ Some men came carrying a paralyzed man on a mat and tried to take him into the house to lay him before Jesus. ¹⁹ When they could not find a way to do this because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and lowered him on his mat through the tiles into the middle of the crowd, right in front of Jesus.
²⁰ When Jesus saw their faith, he said, “Friend, your sins are forgiven.”
²¹ The Pharisees and the teachers of the law began thinking to themselves, “Who is this fellow who speaks blasphemy? Who can forgive sins but God alone?”
²² Jesus knew what they were thinking and asked, “Why are you thinking these things in your hearts? ²³ Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? ²⁴ But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the paralyzed man, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” ²⁵ Immediately he stood up in front of them, took what he had been lying on and went home praising God. 

praying for matthew

i don't know him. this boy i have been praying for. but i don't have to know him. 

i know his mom and that is enough.

i know her smile and imagine his must be the same. i know her heart and know his can't be that far off. and i know her strength and imagine he must have some of that in him too.

i know some of his friends in this small town we live in. i've heard the good stories. seen the nice posts. read the great memories.

i keep updated on his status. his lupus struggles. his ICU visits. 

and i pray for him. because i'm a mom and that's what moms do. 

we pray. we hope. we dream.

not just for our children but for our friend's children. for our neighbor's children. for the children we see and all the ones we never see.

and we never give up. 

and so we pass the word. and start prayer chains. and keep hoping, keep believing, keep praying that God will hear these mother's prayers, see these mother's tears, and know these mother's hearts. 

and heal this boy.

oh matthew, i don't know you but i don't have to know you. because i look at my two boys and i see you in them. and i see everything i want you to become.

so stay strong. 

and keep the faith.

and know that you are not alone.

because we are praying for you.

we are all praying for you.

always.

------

"But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

 

 

 

be willing to offer what you have

we won't always know the plan.

we won't always understand how everything will work out.

we won't always think we can help.

but Jesus always does.

and He needs us to be willing to offer what we have without knowing the answers.

in John 6: 1-15 we see Jesus feeding the five thousand.

let's imagine ourselves there. let's imagine ourselves as disciples. 

five thousand people are stretched out before us. they've traveled to hear Jesus speak.

they're no doubt tired, and dirty, and hungry.

and Jesus sees that. He feels it. He knows it.

and He turns and asks Philip, "where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?"

"a half year's wages would not buy enough for each one to have a bite!", Philip declares.

can we hear the surprise in his response? he's probably thinking Jesus has lost His mind.

because Philip sees the never part of the problem. they could never do it. 

and if we were there, we'd have to agree. because there's a part of Philip in us.

a part that only sees the impossible. 

because it's not like there's a grocery store or a drive thru near by. there's no Super WalMart in sight. and in our mind it would take more than a Super WalMart anyway.

it would take a convention hall.

and a hundred workers.

and a kitchen staff beyond compare.

and we'd need a list of course. and a plan. and a few days to work out the details.

but Jesus had none of that. He needed none of that.

He just needed someone to see beyond the obvious. 

He just needed someone to believe in the impossible. 

He just needed someone to have faith in Him.

and then Andrew offers a little faith. it wasn't much, but it was something. 

"Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”, he questions.

"not far," we think to ourselves, "not far at all."

because deep down there's a part of Andrew in us too. 

a part that wants to help, but questions how so little can really make a difference.

but then there's the boy.

the one with the fish and the loaves.

the one with so little.

the one who gives what he has despite how it looks.

Jesus takes what the world sees as not enough and gives thanks to God for it.

and suddenly we see that what he has is all He needs.

because it ended up being enough and more.

the Bible says they had leftovers.

five thousand people ate until they were full and there were leftovers.

seems impossible.

and it is impossible when we look at it through earthly eyes. it is impossible when we focus on our limitations. but when we look at it through faith we see clearly. when we look at it through faith we see possibilities.

and that's what God needs us to see.

a faith that can move mountains.

a God of the impossible.

and our God of the impossible needs us to be willing to offer what we have even when it seems small. our God of the impossible needs us to willing to believe in Him despite the circumstances. our God of the impossible needs us to be willing to thank Him even in the moments when it seems like it's not enough. 

because it is enough.

because He is enough.

because He is always enough. 

and nothing is impossible for Him.

is God asking you to trust Him in an impossible situation? are you willing to offer Him all you have? will you let Him be enough for you?

"Is anything too hard for the Lord?" Genesis 18:14

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139: 23-24

life is beyond me

it's Five Minute Friday over at lisajobaker.com and today's writing prompt is "Beyond." take 5 minutes, write without editing or worrying what someone will think, and link up with a community of others who have done the same. i'm doing it and hope you do too. oh, and don't forget to encourage the person who linked up right before you, because that's what this is all about...encouraging people. somehow when you stop to encourage someone else, a little bit of that hope comes right back to you.

beyond

sometimes life is beyond me. sometimes people and what they do are beyond me. sometimes who i've become in the middle of all the chaos is beyond me.

and i get consumed. and overwhelmed. and alone. really alone.

because the darkness of the world, the darkness of me, is beyond what i can understand. beyond what i can comprehend. beyond what i can handle.

and i find myself wondering why i try. why i bother. why i care.

and i wonder if it's worth it.

i wonder if i'm worth it.

and i get lost in the wondering. i get lost in the questioning. i get lost in the battle.

and right in the middle of my occasional darkness, God finds me. always. He always finds me. He always finds a way of letting me know He sees me. He always finds a way of letting me know He hears me. He always finds a way of wrapping His arms around me in such a way that i know that i am not alone.

i am not alone.

and neither are you.

because even when this world, even when this life, is beyond me...is beyond you...

He never is.

life thoughts

thought for the day

daily thoughts

simple rule of life

what i have failed to do

 there's a prayer we say in Church each week that i love.

"I confess to almighty God, and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned through my own fault, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do..."

first i love the confession part. the admitting of my mistakes. the acknowledgement of my weakness. 

the owning of my behavior.

it's having the courage to stand up and say, i'm not perfect and i know it. 

it's saying i know i have fault. 

it's not blaming it on others. 

and i love the part that reminds me that my sinning comes both through my thoughts AND my words. that it's not always just what people hear, but what God hears that i need to be accountable for.

but the part i love the most, the part that gets me to look at my life with different eyes, is this line.: 

"in what i have done and in what I HAVE FAILED TO DO."

wow.

it gets me every time.

what i have failed to do. what i have failed to say. when i have failed to act.

it's one thing to have to account for my actions. but to ask to be held accountable for what i haven't done? to confess for something that i didn't do? to answer for things that never came to pass?

yes. an absolute yes.

and it's not a false confession either. and it's not being a false witness.

but it's a humility, a humbleness, an honesty that requires me to be real. 

a faith that requires a closer look. a courage that requires a complete disclosure. 

a genuine prayer that comes from knowing God has given me gifts that i don't use. talent that i waste. resources that i don't use for His glory.

of all the things i do, i think it's the things i never get around to that might hurt Him the most.

when i don't stand up. when i don't speak up. when i don't follow the call to action.

how many people have i overlooked? how many ideas have i not made time for? how many nudges have i ignored?

God needs me to do my part and yet i spend too much time watching television. i spend too much money on things i don't need. i spend too much attention on things that don't matter.

and none of it brings glory to Him.

and so i pray and confess with our whole Church for both the things i have done and for the things i have failed to do.

because i want to be different.

i want this week to be different.

i want my life to be different.

for Him.

keep the faith!!!

my life thoughts

handbook list for girls

                                    

 

swear words always make you look bad and sound terrible. 

you should talk to your friends, not about them.  

decide that you are worth it and then act that way. (AND dress that way.)

realize that a boy doesn't define you or determine your happiness. you do.

the easiest way to avoid drama is to remove yourself from it. 

own your mistakes. and make them right. right away.

don't say something that isn't true. remember an opinion is not a fact.

understand that beauty is not determined by how you look, but by how you live.

love is not something to be thrown around. or used carelessly. or taken for granted. 

(and it's not something you owe anybody for.)

accept who you are. all of you. and believe that God made you for a purpose.

 

honor yourself. with your words. with your actions. with your life.

be truthful. 

be you.

be nice.

             

it's hard when people know your secret

it's hard when people know your secret.

when your struggles come to light. when your missteps are noticed.

and talked about.

and judged.

it's hard when a decision defines you.

how a moment in your life becomes who you are to others.

it's hard when you think you hear whispers. when you fear your friends might turn away. when the life you had becomes the life you used to know.

it's hard when no one acts like they have their own secret.

their own struggle. their own failing.

it's hard to not feel alone when the rest of the world seems to be pointing at you.

and noticing your battle.

your brokenness.

your pain.

it's hard when you feel you've let others down. when your trials consume you. when your troubles threaten to overtake you.

nothing about struggling is easy.

nothing about life is easy.

but despite what the world may have us believe...

our circumstances don't define us.

our failures aren't fatal.

our setbacks aren't set in stone.

each day gives us a new beginning. each day gives us another chance.

you may have fallen, but you will get up.

you may have stumbled, but you will find your way.

you may be scared, but you will make it.

and those of us who have survived need to reach out to those who are still hurting. those of us who have failed need to be willing to admit the failures.

because others are strengthened when they know they're not alone.

others are encouraged when they know they're not in it by themselves. 

"Two are better than one...if one falls down the other can help him up." Ecc 4:19

God has a way of using what we think are the very worst moments of our lives to bring about our greatest blessings.

He has a way of using our trials to bring us triumph.

He has a way of taking what we wanted to keep hidden and using it to help.

yes, it's hard when people know our secrets.

it's hard when people know our pain.

but sometimes healing can only come for all of us when they do.

i'm the loud one

loud.

that's what they call me. that's what they say i am.

actually they don't have to say anything.

their step back and their stare says it all.

gosh, you're loud. hey lady, you're loud.

i know it. and it doesn't phase me.

because in most parts of my life i'm quiet. sometimes too quiet.

but not here. not at my son's match. not at my son's meet.

here i'm loud. here i'm screaming. here i don't care who sees me.

because i need him to hear me.

i need him to know i'm on his side.

i want him to know he has someone in his corner.

and not just him but all the kids on the team.

i yell for them too.

i'm loud on their behalf.

because i need them to hear me.

i need them to know i'm on their side.

i want them to know someone is in their corner.

and i don't think that happens enough in life.

where we forget how we look for the sake of someone else.

where we purposefully make sure someone knows they are not alone.

and everyone needs a cheerleader. everyone needs to hear encouragement.

and if no one else will do it, i will.

i'll be the loud one for them.

always. 

=======



it's Five Minute Fridays over at http://thegypsymama.com/ and today i'm trying it for the first time. she gives the prompt (today it's the word "loud") and then you write for 5 minutes unedited. it was fun! if you're a blogger, try it too!!!

\
here's the rules....

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back to her blog and invite others to join in.
3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.

the most important choice

there are some who think the gift of life
is nothing more than chance
and a baby is not real when it's conceived

and i guess they must accept this
because it's easier to sleep
when a mind has only good things to believe

but the Lord of all creation
is looking at this world
and wondering if we'll ever find it wrong

to carry out a sentence
that always ends in death
to the little one whose voice is not yet strong

we can find a million reasons
to justify this right
and we can find a way to make our conscience small

but when we think we're smart enough
to play around with life
we forget about the greatest loss of all

for we might not see their faces
and we might not hear their cries
and we might not know the path they would have found

that doesn't change the impact
our power could have held
when we had the chance to turn this world around

God doesn't give us babies
to see how we'll react
or to argue when it's life will first begin

He gives us all these blessings
in hopes that we might see
that this important choice belongs to Him.

colleen laquay urbaniuk

i love when God finds you

i love when God does that.

when He finds us right in the middle of our hiding.

when He seeks us out right in the middle of our excuses.

when He calls out in that still small voice to remind us that He needs us to be us.

not our neighbors.

not our friends.

not someone else we wish we were.

He needs us to be us.

He needs you to be you.

He needs me to be me.

and everything we need to be ourselves, He's already given us.

everything we need to be who He needs us to be is inside of us.

you should be you.

i should be me.

how simple.

how true.

how great.


here's the post i read today that gave me this realization. you should definitely check it out:   http://thegypsymama.com/2012/03/nothing-is-ever-as-easy-as-it-seems-especially-not-that/#comments


i stand in awe of God!!!

when a stranger touches your heart

i never met her. this girl who touched my heart.

i glimpsed her through her blog only after i started blogging.

it was coincidence. or happenstance. or chance.

or maybe fate that directed me towards her.

sara. the gitzen girl. 

i read her words, read her story and found inspiration in her basic decision: choose joy.

so simple.

and yet so hard.

life is all about choices. choices about what to wear, what to eat, where to live.

choices about partners, and friends, and jobs.

but sara reminded everyone that our most important choices...the ones that matter in the end...are those choices we make with our hearts.

those chances we decide to take.

the willingness we have to risk looking silly for the sake of something bigger.

something better.

something more.

and that's what sara did. that's what sara shared.

she laid her life on the line. she laid her heart out for all to see. she laid out her bad and her good. her heartaches and triumphs. her pleasures and pain. and she kept reminding only one thing.

choose joy.

and she defined that by choosing to see the good. in everything and in everyone.

by choosing not to focus on the bad. by choosing not to see her obstacles as roadblocks. by choosing not to blame God for what she was missing, but choosing instead to thank Him for what she had.

such great lessons. such a great life.

and such a short one.

because in the middle of her inspiration was a girl who knew she didn't have long to share it.

sara was dying.

and all the people she touched through her words rallied around her in the real world and rallied around her in the blog world.

it didn't matter that most had never met her. that most would never see her face.

because people only wanted to let her know that she mattered. people wanted to let her know that she helped them. people wanted to let her know that she inspired them.

oh the prayers that Heaven must have received on her behalf!

she died a few months ago and yet i still think of her. i'm still reminded of her goodness. i still remember her heart.

strangers in this world. sisters in the next.

goodbye sweet sara, until we meet again.

your words, your attitude, your decision to live - to really live - touched my heart.

and you will forever remain in mine.


you can meet sara too...here's her blog...

garth brooks : my wish for the next 50 years

to those who know me well, it's no secret that my favorite entertainer is garth brooks.

for years, when i would conduct new hire orientation at a resort i was working at, i would include that piece of information at every session.

really, every one.

once a month for 9 years.

everyone knew. pretty much everyone who knows me still knows.

i love garth brooks.

not in that fantasy i wish he would marry me type way. i'm already happily married. 

and not in that creepy stalker-ish way that has me following his every move and knowing every single detail of his life. because i barely have time keeping up with my own life, let alone trying to do it for someone else.

but i love him in that love you have for someones passion.

that appreciation you have for someones gift.

that admiration you have for someones humanity.

because the passion causes him to live on purpose. to make decisions that mean something. to do things that outlive the moment.

and the gift causes him to reach people that would not otherwise be reached. and touch people in ways unexpected. and change lives. and heal wounds. and give hope.  

and the humanity requires him to share what he has. to be in awe of where he's at. and to be humbled by every second of it.

and i love that about him. and i wish more people were like that.

and i strive to be more like that everyday.

so today, on his 50th birthday, i offer a wish, and a hope, and a dream, for every moment of every day for the next 50 years...


i wish you 50 more years of a deep desire to find the good in each day. to search out the good in each person. to show people the good that is still in this world.

i wish you 50 more years of being surrounded by those you love and who love you. people who you'll stand up for. people who you'll fight for. people who you'll thank God for. and that those people will do the same for you without question.

i wish you 50 more years of the knowledge that struggles make you stronger. that those you've lost can still be heard. and that even your pain has something to be thankful for.

i wish you 50 more years of incredible memories, unbelievable moments and amazing opportunities-and that they're shared with strangers, and optimists and dreamers of impossible dreams.

i wish you 50 more years of choosing to find hope in the hopeless. of choosing to give courage to the lost. of choosing to bring compassion to the broken.

but of everything i wish for you, i wish you this the most. that Jesus may fill your heart to overflowing. that His life will be the example that you live. and that His death will mean so much to you...that there is never a doubt as to who you serve.

happy birthday. everyday.

what are we waiting for?

what if we all stepped it up a notch? 

what if we all decided to strive for excellence in everything we do? what if we all made the choice to be more compassionate, more merciful, more loving...more forgiving? what if today was the day that millions of us chose to live in such a way that others wanted to know our secret, wanted to get what we had, wanted to be like us? what if we did it? what if our faith became our focus? what if Jesus became our life? what's holding US back? what's holding YOU back? we have within us the chance to change the world. 

what are we waiting for?

 

www.thegiftofmondays.com

it's always your choice

when you say something mean...it's your choice. 

when you do something wrong...it's your choice. 

when your attitude is negative...it's your choice. 

you can try to blame your background, or your family, or another person, 

but you'd be wrong. 

everyone has obstacles. 

everyone has difficulties. 

everyone has hardships. 

everyone. 

and everyone has a choice. 

when faced with negative, choose to be positive. 

every time. 

because you CAN'T control the world,

but you CAN control you.

www.thegiftofmondays.com

what i've learned in 43 years

 my life has taught me...

that actions speak louder than words.

that you should always keep your promises.

that words hurt.

that kindness matters.

that everyone needs love.

that everyone needs compassion.

that everyone needs mercy.

that you should do what you say and say what you mean.

that a white lie is still a lie.

that your character is proven in the moments when no one is looking.

that a hug can make someones day.

that you should look someone in the eye when you speak.

that a smile is the same in any language.

that a true friend loves you even when you don't deserve it.

that you should love others when they don't deserve it as well.

that God is real and Jesus is life.

that you're never ready for someone to die.

that a compliment is never wasted.

that the people you love should know you love them.

that children are a gift.

that my attitude is my choice.

that my dad was right. about everything.

that remembering someones name is important.

that everyone makes mistakes.

that forgiving (even yourself) is necessary.

that everyone has value.

that racism is ugly.

that we should never be ugly.

that stupid is a bad word.

that telling the truth really does set you free.

that crying doesn't mean you're weak.

that everyone deserves a second chance.

that holding on to shame is dangerous.

that getting what you want isn't always what you need.

that no one wins a fight.

that you should build people up and not tear them down.

that getting even is never worth it.

that you can't take something back once you've said it.

that being mean is never acceptable.

that God is awesome and amazing and wonderful.

that this life is not about me.

that this life is about Him.

be kind always

daily encouragement

 

be the most positive person in your world today. 

be kind to everyone. be thoughtful and caring in every situation. 

say nice things, offer compliments, keep smiling. 

it won't be easy. it may not even be fun at times. 

but it will be worth it. 

because being positive changes people. being positive changes you. 

God has given you a light, so let it shine. 

and decide to shine it brighter than all the rest. 

happy thursday!!!

daily encouragement

when you think you've lost all hope, you haven't, because the God of all hope is never lost. you may have lost your way, you may have stepped off the path, you may have never found the road to begin with, but it's not too late. it's never too late. our lives begin again every morning. today is a new start. today is a new hope. and our start and our hope lies in Jesus. all is not lost. all is never lost. ♥

do you have to be rude?

i can't stand when people are rude.

it's a trigger for me. it pushes my buttons.

it makes my sense of grace fly right out the window.

i hate when people think that a sense of being right overrules a sense of being nice.

when they feel like the world owes them something.

when they think that they're better than someone else.

it's a type of arrogance that makes me mad.

it makes me see red.

it makes me forget i'm a Christian.

and the devil knows that.

and God knows that.

and so the tests keep coming.

the rude people come out of the woodwork.

my patience wears thin.

because the devil wants me to lose my temper.

and God wants me to win the fight.

and sometimes i do win.

but more often i lose.

because i don't see the good in people when they're rude.

i don't see a child of God when they're being ugly.

i don't see the face of Jesus in their arrogance.

but then God doesn't see it in me either.

not when i'm frustrated at them. not when i'm talking about them. not when i'm judging them.

and surely not when i'm trying to get in the last word.

or trying to prove that i'm right.

or worried more about my rights then His request.

because He has asked me to be slow in becoming angry.

He has asked me to be patient.

He has asked me to see the plank in my own eye.

and i do see it but i don't want to admit it.

because if i admitted it, then i'd have to admit that i'm arrogant at times.

i'd have to admit that i'm not always nice.

i'd have to admit that sometimes i'm the rude one.

and i'd hate to admit any of that.

and i think that's why God keeps testing me.

because He needs to get me from where i am to where i need to be.

and in order to change me, He needs me to see the problem.

He needs me to be disgusted with it.

He needs me to hate it enough in others that i refuse to allow it in myself.

because i can't stand when people are rude.

and i can't stand it when i'm rude either.

and God needs someone to change.

and i think He's looking at me.

i'm not special

i'm not special.

i'm nobody important.

i don't have power. or prestige. or fame. 

i'm just a regular girl with a regular life.

but i have a Bible.

and i have a voice.

and i have a Word from God that says He is no respecter of persons.

what He did for one, He will do for all.

and i'm included in that all.

i believe in that all.

i trust in that all.

and so i seek Him.

and i knock.

and i come before His throne.

and i bring others with me.

and i lift us up.

and i talk with Him.

and i give Him thanks.

for you.

for me.

for everything.

but i'm not any more special.

or any more important.

or any more forgiven.

than anyone else.

i just really want more of Him.

for me.

and for you.

because He's what makes us special.

He's what makes us stand out.

He's what makes us important.

because He is important.

to us all.

i'm scared of God

i'm scared of God.

i'm scared of what He needs from me.

i'm scared of what He will ask me to do.

though i talk with a boldness for Christ, it's not a complete boldness.

though i walk with my hand in His, i'm constantly pulling away.

it's embarrassing to admit i'm not completely sold out for Christ.

it's hard to confess i feel safer in the shadows.

but i do.

and it's a constant source of struggle for me.

there's a part of my heart that longs to throw caution to the wind and step out in faith.

real faith.

the faith that has you give it all away.

the faith that has you live the Gospel.

the faith that has you telling God that you will do anything for Him.

the faith that is anything but safe.

but "anything" has too many questions. anything means uncertainties. 

anything is hard.

and i'm not sure i can do the hard He might ask me to do.

because what if He asks me to be Job? what if i have to lose my family, my children, my home? what if He asks me to give up everything i have for Him?

what if He wants me to be Paul? imprisoned and beaten for Him.

or Peter? or John?

would i be able to live a life of enthusiasm if i had to suffer for it? could i be be joyful in the midst of such struggle and pain?

i have faith. even big faith at times.

but i'm not sure i have the faith God needs from me for the big stuff. 

the really big stuff.

because i feel safer in the shadows.

and that's my struggle. the safe shadows or the uncertain light.

the partial faith or the sold out for Christ faith.

the i'll do anything faith or the i'll do anything BUT faith.

but God has been working on me.

and God has been changing my heart.

and God has been asking me to step out.

oh God, give me the faith i need to be who you need me to be.

because i want to be that person...

that i've been too scared to be for you.

i've been gone

i've been gone for awhile now. over two months to be exact. 

at least in the blog world anyway.

but in the real world it's been much longer.

in fact it's been so long i don't even remember when i left. 

but i did. 

i walked away. actually, i ran. as far and as fast as i could.

because i'm screwed up.

i've always known that but most people don't. 

i put on a good front. i wear a mask. i build a wall.

and i rarely, if ever, show someone the real me.

it's easier that way.

keeps me from being hurt. keeps me from loving someone and then losing them. keeps me from being betrayed or rejected or looked over...

again.

i learned that early in life.

that people leave. that they hurt you. that they die.

and it sometimes takes a lifetime to recover from it.

and sometimes you don't recover at all.

and so i wear masks. and i build walls. and i only show people what i want them to see.

small glimpses. tiny peeks. quick snapshots. 

because it's easier that way. 

and that's all that i've been brave enough to share.  

until this blog. 

until i started writing for the whole world to see.

my mistakes. my failures. my pain.  

my desire to help trying to overcome my desire to hide.

and it did for awhile. but i panicked. and then i did what i do best.

i backed away.

one of my friends emailed me a few weeks ago. she wondered about my blog. she wondered where i've been. she wondered if i was okay.

and she wondered why she never knew some of the stuff i wrote about. how we could have known each other for so long and yet it felt like she knew so little about me. she wondered where she fit in my life.

and it made me cry. because everything she said was true. everything she asked was valid.

and i 've known it since forever. 

that i'm good at hiding. 

that i'm good at shutting people out.

that my entire life was an open book...but only to the pages i wanted someone to see. 
 
i didn't respond to her questions. i couldn't even re-read the email. 

because that was the battle i was waging. 

that was the fight i was in the middle of. 

that was the war i was trying desperately to win.
 

the war between forgiveness and trust. the fight between letting in and letting go. the battle between who i am and who i want to be. 

and so...i've been gone for awhile now. 

because i was letting down too much of my guard. 

i was revealing too much of the real me. 

i was letting people too far in and it scared me. 

but i'm finally tired of being scared. 

and i'm finally tired of fear.

and i'm finally tired of hiding.

and so i'm back. and i'm trusting. and i'm letting down my guard.

and i'm praying for God to use me. 

the real me. 

to help someone else who needs to find the real them too.  

happy monday!!!

i used to have an eating disorder

i used to have an eating disorder.

that's not easy for me to say.

because most people don't know.

and i thought most people never would.

it's not that i'm embarrassed or ashamed.

because i'm not.

but i know how some people are.

i know that once they know the truth, they'll look at me different. they'll watch my steps and wonder if i'm slipping. they'll start to find ways to assume it's still me.

because some who do know...do that to me now.

but it's not me anymore.

and it hasn't been me for awhile.

but just because i say it's not me, doesn't mean some people forget.

because some people don't. and some people never will.

and it's hard when they remind me. it's hard when they won't believe me.

because i've tried very hard to overcome my past.

so i've told very few and trusted very little. 

even now i hesitate to share the truth. i hesitate for people to know.

because i'd rather avoid the questions. i'd rather avoid the comments.

but i can't avoid the obvious.

i can't stand by when i see too many people like me. too many fighting the same fight.

and i can't let them think they're alone. because they're not.

and so i share my truth for them. i take the risk because someone once risked it for me.

food used to be a major issue for me. my weight used to be a major issue for me. 

and it took a long time to overcome the fear of both.

i experimented with weight loss pills. weight loss drinks.

i made myself throw up. i tried laxatives. i exercised continuously.

i binged. i purged. i stopped eating. i hid my food.

anything to lose weight. anything to reach a number i thought was ideal.

but it wasn't ideal.

it was ridiculous.

but i didn't see that then. i didn't know that then.

all i knew was that the world rewarded skinny and that's who i wanted to be.

skinny. thin. envied. complimented.

skinny meant popular. skinny meant victory. skinny meant i had made it.

but all i really made was a mess.

it was a secret that i kept from everyone.

oh people whispered. and people talked. usually behind my back. rarely to my face.

some assumed i was anorexic. or bulimic.

or both.

but it didn't matter what they named it. it didn't matter what they called it.

it only mattered that i was lost. and i needed help.

and though people whispered and talked about me, no one actually talked to me.

until one friend did. 

she didn't whisper. she didn't assume. she just shared the truth.

her truth.

she told me her own story. her own struggle. her own issues with food.

and she invited me to go talk to someone...with her.

and by trusting me with her truth, she allowed me to do the same with mine.

because admitting i needed help was the first step to getting better.

admitting i was broken, was the first step to finding my way again.

sharing my struggles with those who had struggled, gave me strength. gave me hope. gave me the desire to change.

it wasn't easy. and it wasn't overnight.

but it was a start. and it was a step.

and though it's not who i am anymore, it will always be a part of me. it will always be my story. it will always be my truth.

my dad used to tell me, "tell the truth and the truth will set you free." and he was right.

because i did. and it has. and i am.

and if it's your truth, i hope you will do the same.

it won't be easy. it won't be overnight. but it will be worth it.

because you are worth it. 

your life is worth it.

and you are not alone.

is God listening?

sometimes it's not hard to wonder if God is listening. to ask if He sees what's going on.

with so much pain and suffering in this world, we wonder if He's turned His back. if He's walked away. if He's given up.

i know i would. i'd turn my back. i'd walk away. i'd give up.

and i have before.

because it's all too much. it's all too overwhelming.

the tragedies, the abuse, the downright craziness of this world is too much to think about. too much to bear.

who wants that job? to be in charge. 

to be the one people look to for answers. to be the one people look for to blame.

not me. don't sign me up. don't throw my name in the bucket. i'm not interested.

at all.

i have no desire to be the one who has to fix this mess. to deal with these issues.

but thankfully i don't have to volunteer. i don't have to worry that someone might see me hiding in the back and ask me to take charge. 

because God's already done that.

He's already taken that responsibility.

and He doesn't need me to fix this world. He doesn't need me to think that it's all on my shoulders.

because it isn't. 

it's on His.

He's got this. He's got the plan. He knows what needs to be done.

and though it's not all about me, He needs me. He needs you.

He needs us to help in our little corner of this world.

He needs us to spend more time reaching out to others than worrying about ourselves.

He needs us to help the broken. to seek the lost. to pray for the hurting.

and not every every broken, lost, or hurting person. 

but the ones He puts in our path.

the ones we see everyday. the ones who tug at our hearts even as we turn away.

we don't have to save the world but we should want to help where we can.

because for some, the first time they see God, the first time they feel Him, is through us.

through our compassion. through our actions. through our love.

with so much hurting in this world, sometimes it's easy for us to wonder about God. to wonder if He sees what's going on.

it's easy to sit back and wonder if God is listening.

but the real question, the much harder one and the one we don't always want to know the answer to is this...

are we?

i missed a broken soul

she's gone. she's dead. she couldn't face the world anymore and so she chose to leave.

it's been 2 years and no matter how hard i try, i can't let it go.

no matter how hard i want to forget, the memory keeps coming back.

no matter how much i don't want to cry, the tears keep coming.

they won't stop. they catch me off guard. they sneak up on me. they make me remember.

and i hate it.

i hate the tears. i hate the remembering. i hate the knowing that i failed.

i hate it all.

but most of all i hate that she's dead.

i hate that i can't see her.

i hate that i can't help her.

i hate that i can't talk her out of it.

we sing a song in Church that always reminds me of her.

"see His body, His blood, know that He has overcome, every trial we will face. and none too lost to be saved, none too broken or ashamed..."*

and that's as far i as get. i can't sing past this point.

because it feels like she was too lost. it feels like she was too broken. it feels like her trials were too much to overcome.

and most of all, it feels like someone should have saved her.

but no one did.

and maybe no one could.

but i wonder about that everyday.

and i miss her every moment.

and i can't seem to let it go.

and i hate it.

all of it. 

but i lay it at the Cross.

because that's all i can do.

and i pray to God that i never miss a broken soul again.

---
* songs lyrics from Remembrance/Matt Maher

it's going to be a great day

it's going to be a great day.

say it outloud.

now say it again.

with enthusiasm.

it's going to be a great day!

forget everything else you have to do today and keep saying it.

say it until it becomes a habit. until it's your first reaction to every day.  until you wake up thinking it. say it so much that your thoughts turn to beliefs.

stay in the habit of joy. of knowing that no matter what the day brings, God will bring you through it.

He's done it before. He will do it again.

today is going to be a great day. it's God's day. 

He made it for you. He made it for me. 

believe it. 

and watch it come to pass.

"this is the day the Lord has made. let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

i should be good at death by now

it seems as if my whole life people have been dying.

my mom, my godfather, my uncle.

my sister, my friend, my dad.

i started at such a young age (six) that one would think i'd be a pro by now. that death would be old hat to me. that it wouldn't still catch me by surprise. or make me lose my breath. or cause me to break down.

but it does.

all of those things.

just because i started early doesn't mean i've mastered it. or that i like it. or that i know what to say or what to do.

actually, i'm probably worse at it than most. i fumble it. i stumble over my words.

i react with crazy questions like..."are you joking?"

i mean really,  who asks that? as if someone is going to joke about death. but it seems to be my standard response when i hear the news for the first time.

i said that back in november when my husband's cousin died in the operating room. it was supposed to be routine surgery but there were complications and he didn't make it. "you're kidding, right?" i said to his sister, a girl i have known most of her life. a girl i have loved most of her life. " i'm not kidding," she responded, "he's gone."

i had to smack myself.  her brother just died and i asked if she was kidding? who does that?

that would be me. the girl who should be good at death but isn't. the girl who wants so much to say the right thing but doesn't know what to say.

because it doesn't matter how many deaths i've lived through. it doesn't matter how many funerals i've gone to or cemeteries i've visited. i can't change death. i can't fix it. i can't make it better.

and that's hard for me.

because i'm a fixer. i'm the one who wants to make it right. and there's nothing right in death. not on this earth anyway.

not when the emotions are raw. and the pain is real. and the wounds are fresh.

there's nothing right...right then. and sometimes there's nothing right for awhile.

and that's what my heart focuses on. the "awhile" part. i skip ahead in my mind and wonder what i can do to make it all make sense. to make it all obvious to a bigger plan. to make it all not hurt as much as it does at the moment.

but i flounder. and i fumble. and i fail.

and i say crazy things like, "are you kidding?" and "you're joking right?" and i wonder why i even open my mouth at all.

but i do. because a part of me doesn't want to believe. and a part of me wishes i never heard. and a part of me wants to help. and somehow every emotion runs through me so quickly that i say the only thing that seems to make sense at the moment. that it must be a mistake. that it must be wrong. that it must be a joke.

but it never is.

my disbelief doesn't change the news.  my unwillingness to accept doesn't bring them back.

and if you hear me saying something crazy, please know that it comes from a good place. because i should be good at death by now, but i'm not.

and i'm not sure that i ever will be.